Amber's Journey with PCOS

Part 2..... (see below for part 1)

2010-01-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

This also came from my MOD website, dated October 30, 2009.

For Kylie's funeral, I wrote her this poem and felt the need to share it here. Below that is a letter I wrote in a note form on facebook, and I would also like to put it here for safe-keeping and so that all things Kylie-related can be in one place. Writing is my only outlet, so this is where I will keep these things.

The Precious Gift (written by Amber Keith)
Your presence was a precious gift
Sent from up above
A little miracle for us
To always know and love
We never thought we’d have you
But we’re so happy we did
It’s just a little hard right now
To keep our feelings hid
We had to let you go
Back to your heavenly home
How I’ll ever fill the void
Only God above knows
It seems so unfair
For you to leave us so soon
But I know you’re in God’s hands
And you know that I love you.
We will always know you
As our first baby girl
And I will always look forward to seeing you
When its my time to leave the world.
I know you’re smiling down on us
And watching from above
And I want you to know we miss you
And are sending you lots of love
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The following letter was written October 16, one day after Kylie's passing.

Kylie,
Mommy is so sad that I had to let you go yesterday. Words cannot express the hurt I feel and the size of the hole in my heart. Your daddy and I had so many plans for you and your future. We waited five years to find out we were having you. If you could have only seen our joy when the doctor told us we were going to be parents- I loved you even before I knew, but at that moment, you owned my heart. Each doctor's visit and each time I heard your heart beat or saw you on an ultrasound, I was overcome with joy and happiness. Your life, however short it was, taught me a love and joy I never knew was possible in any lifetime.

I want you to know that right now is very hard for me. Last night, I cried out for you, cried to have you back, begged your daddy to give you back to me. Today, tomorrow, and the days to come, I know I will again cry out for you. I'm not trying to be selfish, I just feel like my job was left unfininished, like it was so unfair for you to be taken from me and your daddy. You see, we never thought we'd be blessed with a child, more or less the vision of perfection you were. For two precious weeks, you fought with more strength than I could imagine your tiny body having. For two glorious weeks, you were here in this world and you were here for mommy and daddy.

I will always remember your tiny little face- I studied it daily. You had your daddy's cheeks and facial structure, and his lips. You had my nose and chin- and they fit perfectly with that sweet set of baby blue eyes. You were, to me, the definition of perfection. Thank you for blessing me with the miracle of your life- you were so strong for us, and I am trying so desperately to be strong for you. You beat the odds so many times- they thought I would miscarry... they thought you wouldn't make it past a few days when you arrived... they thought you wouldn't make it through Wednesday night.

I knew Wednesday night, whether I wanted to admit it or not, that you were going to be leaving me. The surgery was just too hard on you. When you lifted your eyes to me yesterday morning, I knew you were telling me that it was going to be okay, and that you were going to be okay. And most of all, when I came back to your bedside with Grammy, I knew you were telling me it was time, that you had enough, that you just couldn't do it anymore. You made our decision for us, and I thank you for making it easier. I knew it was your time, and your daddy knew, and we had to let you go. I am so thankful I held you in my arms as your tiny little heart stopped. I had to hold you before you were gone. I had to know that you felt my arms around you.

I just wanted to let you know how much I love you and will always love you. You mean more to me than anything in this world. Your daddy and I are so proud of you and the strength you showed. You taught me more in 2 weeks than I have learned in my entire life. Even in your short time, you were taking care of your mommy. Your big sister would have been so good to you; I wish you could have met her before you passed. She would have loved you from the moment she saw you.

I want you to also know that you will always be my princess and my angel, and that I will never forget you. It is so hard right now, and today at the funeral home will be hard... and your funeral will be hardest. I'm so afraid that your daddy will have to hold me back from throwing myself in with you... I just so desperately want you back in my arms. We worked hard on your beautiful bedroom... I wish you could have come home to it. We bought you all kinds of beautiful clothes and toys and things.... I'm so sorry I couldn't have done more to help you.

I love you and miss you more than words can express.

Love always,

Mommy

A journey cut entirely too short... Part 1

2010-01-17T07:38:00.000-08:00

So yes, as you should figure out by now... I am past my due date. So much has happened since the last post (a half year ago), that I don't know where to begin... so, I thought it appropriate to post a few entries today, copying and pasting from my blog with the March of Dimes... yes, you heard right... the March of Dimes... this entry is dated October 29, 2009:

After five years of trying to conceive, 3 years of fertility treatments, including 3 failed IUI's, we found out on our fifth wedding anniversary that we were pregnant- on our own! In the beginning, my levels (hcg, etc.) never doubled or did what they were supposed to. My doctor was expecting me to miscarry, but I didn't. At nearly 8 weeks, my baby had a strong heartbeat. After that, my pregnancy was very normal. I was given a due date of January 1, 2010, and I was ecstatic. My miracle baby, the baby we were not supposed to conceive, would be a Christmas gift for all of us. In order to understand the outcome, I think it is important to tell what happened in my pregnancy first. Sorry this is so long, but I need to tell all.

August 12, 2009- an ultrasound revealed my beautiful baby was going to be a girl- mommy's little princess! Everything was fine each month leading to this visit, and this was just icing on the cake. We already knew what we would name her: Kylie Brielle Keith. Now, we could finally go register for all of that wonderful stuff I wanted- bedding and all. My blood pressure was a bit elevated at this visit, but it was attributed to the excitement of finding out the sex of the baby. She was actually measuring 2 weeks ahead- I was nervous for a "big" baby!

My next appointment was September 10. My BP was 160/100, and I was put on BP meds (Methyldopa, 2 pills a day- 1,000 mg total). Over the weekend, my BP stayed high, so on Monday, I had to go to L/D for monitoring- and of course, it was fine while I was there. By Thursday, I had to return to the doctor because I was sick- he diagnosed and treated me for bronchitis and the flu (I'm a teacher, so he wanted to be safe). He also upped my BP pills to 3 a day at this time. That weekend, I started having chest pains. I woke up one time each night with excruciating pain. The first time (Sat night) I was rushed to the ER and then told I had chest wall pain, given a pain pill, and sent on my way. The pains continued. I went to the doctor on Monday for a follow-up. BP still high, chest pains still happening at night, so he gave me a muscle relaxer. Each night, I continued to have chest pain. All day Wednesday, the chest pain stayed. On Wednesday night, I went to L/D again for monitoring with high bp, to be sent home a few hours later with a pain pill and a visit to the doc the next day. Thursday, I was put on bed rest and upped to 4 pills a day (2,000 mg of methyldopa). That next night, my chest pains came all day and all night. We ended up in the ER again, to have a doctor tell me I had acid reflux and then gave me a GI cocktail- which made it worse. It was terrifying. We went back to the doctor the next Monday, who wanted an ultrasound the next day. He finally, on Tuesday, changed my BP pill to Procardia, and the ultrasound revealed my amniotic fluid was low, and the baby was weighing less than she should. He sent a referral to a pere-neonatologist, and said they would call me with an appointment. Because of the chest pains, he made me a cardiologist appointment the next day.

Amazingly, the new medicine immediately ceased my chest pains. No more. The next day, the cardiologist appointment went well. No problems, and he felt the problems were related to medicine. By that afternoon, however, I was feeling terrible. I was nauseated, and I started having pain in my lower abdomen and back, like cramping. We decided to go to L/D. When they laid me on my side to monitor the baby and my blood pressure, I got short of breath. I told them over and over how nauseated I was, and the nurse kept treating me like a whiny pregnant lady. The doc ordered another ultrasound. The US lasted 40 minutes, and the tech showed us a leak in my cervix and said the fluid was now "REALLY low". After the ultrasound, I got sick 3 times. The nurse came back in and said I was being admitted, so she hooked me up to an IV and said I'd be signing paperwork in case of an emergency c-section, but she said it was just precautionary. As she went to put the baby back on the monitor, her eyes got big, and so did mine- the heart beat was extremely slow. She told the other nurse to call the doc and to prep me for a c-section. In a whirlwind, I was prepped and rushed to the OR.... at 12:44 on October 1, my beautiful baby girl was born. Kylie Brielle Keith weighed 1 lb. 8 oz, and was 13 inches long. She was 26 weeks 6 days. She was rushed to NICU while I went to recovery.

For her first five days, Kylie was absolutely healthy, other than being preemie. She was GORGEOUS- she did not even look like what you expect preemies to look like- she just looked like a tiny, perfect baby. Her features were just perfect. She was breathing well- and for 4 days, she was on room-air only through her vent. We were amazed at her lung capacity. She was on anitbiotics as a precaution, had a line in her tummy, and was in a special giraffe bed that helped keep her skin healthy. On day 3, she was given breastmilk (1 ML) through her line, starting at noon and then going every 4 hours. She had a blood transfusion on day 5 (which is normal), so no food was given, but then was given a continuous feed on day 7. By day 8, foods were stopped completely.

By day 7, her tummy was black and distended, but not too much. Nurses still heard bowel sounds, so we were not too worried. On October 9, she was 1 lb. 13 oz. by normal growth- we were so proud! By day 9, she was what the doctor called "very sick." She told us about NEC, and that right now it was a "wait and see" situation. She put her on some more antibiotics and then dopamine. She received another blood transfusion and some platelettes and plasma. She warned us that the dopamine would make her swell, but it would make her kidneys start working again, and then we would hope that her bowel did not pop or tear while the antibiotics were working. They gave her a 50/50 chance of making it. The pediatric surgeon was out of town, but she didn't think there was a need to call him just yet. X-rays showed that she didn't have a lot of free-air gas, and it didn't seem like a large portion of her bowel was dead, so they just continued on. On October 10, she weighed 2 lbs 4 oz- up 7 oz in fluid in one day. She was very sick this day, but they continued on, as there was no sign of a leak. That next day, she had not gained any extra weight- a sigh of relief. The doctors said she was getting a little better, and that it was a good sign. We were happy with the positive news, and her urine output was great. Maybe she'd weigh less tomorrow, we thought.

October 12, she weighed 2 lbs. 10 oz- a gain of 6 oz in fluid. She was so sick, and so swollen, I almost didn't recognize her. It broke my heart to see her so puffy- her belly was black and it was just terrible. The doctors still said the antibiotics could be working and had not noticed a perforation, so there was still no need for the surgeon. The next day, she only gained 2 oz and seemed to be doing a little better- more x-rays were done and it still didn't show anything significant. She also had her brain ultrasound- no brain bleeds at all! We went home that night confident that things were looking up, and we tried to get some rest. On October 14, we received a phone call at 5:30 in the morning from the doctor, who said the surgeon was being called in, because he thought that Kylie's bowel had ruptured around 3 this morning, based on the nurse's notes. We rushed to the hospital and found that she was still 2 lbs 12 oz, but she was needing more ventilator assistance- she had been taking 60 breaths a minute on her own, but now she was down to 20-30. She was really needing help from the machines, and you could see she was just miserable. The nurse suggested I sit with my hands on her legs to soothe her, as she was really uncomfortable. For an hour and a half, me and my husband sat with our hands on our precious baby, and she was calm- she knew we were there, and my baby who had done so well was now sicker than I could have imagined. At 12:00, they took her down for surgery, but they didn't start until 1. By 2:00, they were finished.

The surgeon came out and told us that he removed most of her judea (splg?), her small intestine, and a small part of the illeum (splg?). He put a colostomy back in one side, and a drain on the other. He explained that he was unsure if the disease process was complete, but that if he had taken anymore, she would have lived on IVs for the rest of her life. He told us that the next 48 hours would be very rough- she would get worse before she got better. She lost a lot of blood in the surgery,b ut she received a lot, too. She would continue getting blood products through the night, and it would take about 24 hours for her kidneys to begin working again. He then proceeded to pray with all of us- my entire family, my husband's family, our preacher, and friends. He was supposed to leave town the next day for a recruiting trip but promised to check in throughout the night/day.

My poor angel was in such sad shape when we saw her an hour later- she had old-fashioned stitches that looked like a red railroad track- she had blood in her ostomy bag and blood coming out of her drain. She was puffy and swollen- not looking like my baby at all. But we prayed... gosh, how we prayed... The hospital let us use the overnight room in the NICU that night, because it was so uncertain... all night she was okay, but she never picked up on her breathing, and no one could tell with her drain if she was having urine output or not. They couldn't ever get a blood pressure on her, but they said it was due to her swelling and her low blood products they were catching her up on. By 8 the next morning, the surgeon made a surprise visit. He told us he thought the lord wanted our baby, that he didn't think she was going to make it.... and that we would have to decide when enough was enough. It was the most heart-wrenching moment of my life.
When we went back to the neonatologists, they said she had less than a 1% chance of making it. Her weight was up to 3 lbs. 5 oz. (she should have been about 2 lbs by this time, naturally), and she was on 100% oxygen on the vent… she was basically being kept alive by the machines. They said there was a tiny chance she could pull through and make a miraculous change, but they weren’t hopeful. They told us there was no need to make a decision right away, but that we would need to be thinking about it- pulling her off the vent would come sooner or later. We did give consent to a DNR- it would have just prolonged what we knew would end up happening, and it would have put her in more suffering and pain- I felt it would have been selfish to try CPR on her. Our preacher came in and said a prayer with us over her bed, and we went to update our families. Around 10:30 that morning, my mom asked me to take her back to see Kylie, and I knew immediately upon approaching her bed that it was time for her to go. Her vent was still on 100%, and she was down in the 50s on her oxygen level, and her heart rate was dropping fast. My mom rushed to get my husband, and I looked at her sweet primary care nurse (a blessing in so many ways to us) and said “it’s time, isn’t it?” She said “I think so, dear, I think so…” and with tears overflowing, I begged to hold her before her heart stopped… they pulled her monitors off (kept her vent in), turned off the screen (before they put her in my arms, her oxygen was down to 17 and her heart rate was in the 70s), and gently placed my precious miracle baby in my arms for the first time. I held her, and then my husband held her, and then I held her again, for nearly an hour before we gave her back to the nurses to clean up and get her dressed. My family and close friends were waiting in a small private room outside of the NICU. Shortly after, the nurse brought my beautiful baby to us- she was in a homemade pink dress and bonnet with tulle- a true princess dress- and wrapped in a blanket covered with pink flowers. We all took turns holding her, and the room was full of tears and heartache. We did allow the professional photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to come in, and I did get some pictures back in time for Kylie’s service. Eventually though, I had to give her back to the nurse, and on her two week birthday, two short, precious, priceless weeks- I held her for the first and last times.
I am so pained by this loss, but in so many ways, I am such a proud mom. My sweet girl knew that we could not decide when it was her time to go, so she made the decision for us- she told us when enough was enough- and she was so strong and brave for doing that. She fought so hard for us, and she brought so many people closer together. It is amazing to me that people who hadn’t talked in years were hugging and crying and rekindling relationships/friendships/family connections. Nurses from the NICU, my antepartum wing where I stayed in the hospital, and my doctor’s office came to say their goodbyes. She brought me and my husband closer together, and she is still showing me every day so many ways that she has influenced our lives and our world. I couldn’t be more proud of her- she is a miracle for sure.

My heart is missing a chunk today and always will- the minute my sweet angel passed to heaven, she took that piece with her. My heart aches for her. I cried out in the middle of the night for her. I begged my husband to bring her back, to just go get her and I would make her better, to let me hold her… I kept screaming “my baby” and “it’s not fair”… and inside, I still scream those things. I am miserable without her, and I know the pain will never completely go away. My biggest question is how do I go on? And why? WHY did this happen, and why was she taken from me? We went through so much to have her, to bring her here. Now, I have a complete, empty nursery at home, waiting for her, and she’ll never be there. Two baby registries full of beautiful baby items that I picked especially for her, my beautiful Kylie Brielle. My whole heart is empty. I feel so alone, so empty, so broken right now, and I am having such a hard time expressing how I feel.
Because of her condition, I began researching it the moment they told me about it. Now that she is gone, I know more about NEC and how dangerous it is to premature babies. I want to start a foundation, to help babies in the future survive this disease, as there is absolutely no funding available for research. Very few doctors focus on this, and it amazes me, because it kills so many innocent babies every year. The “wait and see” is not a productive medical approach, and with all the technology we have today, there should be more we can do to test for it, to treat it, to cure it.
As painful as my life is right now, and as hard as it is to go on without my angel, this one goal is what is keeping me going. Kylie would not want others to suffer, and she would want me to help in every way I could. I feel she is pulling me to do this, and I will do anything for my baby. My love for her existed before she did, and my love for her will exist until I cease to live. I have never known this kind of love, and for that I am grateful.

The picture below is my princess at one day old. This is one of my favorite pictures, because you can see how perfect all her features are... this is how I like to remember her most.

The newest Mommy-to-be!

2009-06-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read it right. I am now officially a mommy-to-be. It was quite surprising actually, because this happened all on its own, and at a bit of a weird time. We found out the day before our 5-year wedding anniversary (on April 30) that we were expecting. I was having a lot of pain and called the doctor because I thought I had a cyst. He did an ultrasound and discovered the pregnancy sac, ran a PG test (which was positive, of course), took bloodwork, and gave me my first little picture of my little miracle baby.

The next few weeks were full of blood work appointments every two days, as my progesterone and HCG levels were not rising normally. After being put on progesterone pills, that level normalled out, but my hcg still didn't double every 48 hours. At 7 weeks, I had an ultrasound appointment to confirm the pregnancy, and lo-and-behold, we had a beautiful baby with a beating heart (162 was the rate). Joy and elation swept over me, though I knew in my heart everything was okay- it was just a bumpy, scary few weeks. I went back to the doctor June 16 for my first big appointment and had everything done that I needed- and I heard my precious baby's heart beat yet again (171 this time!).

Today, I am 13 weeks, 3 days. On Friday, I will be officially out of my first trimester. What a special feeling!

Over the past 2 months, I have had a hard time, off and on, eating, and have lost about 17 lbs. I feel the stretching and pulling pains, and my boobs (sorry to the guys reading this) have been sore, but other than that, I feel fantastic. I have bought a pregnancy journal and have been recording each week the things I'm feeling and going through, and some of my cravings, etc. I just could not be happier as a pregnant woman, though I do complain of the inability to eat some.

I find out in August what we are having, but of course, I'm hoping for a girl, and Chris is hoping for a boy. The names we have picked:
Boy- Bryson William Keith (William, after Chris's middle name)
Girl- Kylie Brielle Keith

What an exciting time!

A news update

2009-03-21T07:47:00.001-07:00

I know it seems extremely selfish of me, but I am happy that my friends all have boys. It actually gives me hope that maybe God does want me to be first at something... since I'll be the last to have a baby. Maybe I get to have the first girl in my close group, although no one ever thinks "Amber will be next." I stay far from their minds. It really hurts my feelings that I have been trying to conceive longer than ANY of them have, and I mean ANY of them, and they all think that it just won't ever be me. I mean, I'm the one going through the hard time. Why aren't they more supportive?

On another note, we just had some disturbing news. Chris's dad has colon cancer, they think, and is having surgery to remove all polyps on Monday. They have also run scans because they are afraid the cancer has spread to his prostate and his brain (which in his brain would account for the severe memory problems and focusing issues he has been having). If that is the case, there is not much they can do. Chris is really torn up, and understandably so. I think he is more upset that his dad has not been taking care of himself like he should and has refused to go to the doctor for a long time, and he denies that he has anything wrong with him. In the same situation, Chris's mom is also having heart trouble. She was born with a heart condition, and now, one side of her heart is working at 45%, the other at 35%. So needless to say, we are overwhelmed with bad news right now.

I say all of that to lead to my next topic, which is, of course, having a baby. Chris really wants to pursue fertility treatments again after finding this information out about his parents. He wants his parents to be around for a grandchild from him, especially his dad. He is his dad's only biological child, so technically, his dad doesn't have any blood grandchildren. So, we are starting back with fertility treatments this next month.

Soul Searching and Finding ME

2009-03-12T16:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure what to say in this blog, as I'm not quite sure what is going on with me, what I am thinking, why I'm thinking it, anything.

I have been pretty reflective lately, and I'm not really very happy with me or anyone else.

I started my period today, after a 7 day late streak... a streak that again got my hopes up for a pregnancy, since I don't have to take care of my sisters anymore after their pregnancies and complications. Why can't it just be me for a change? I am so depressed and hurt that it is never me... I've been trying longer than any of my friends, my sister, etc., and I have no child of my own. The one thing I've always been so afraid of... I don't have, and I really honestly think I won't ever have. I do not want to be 30 and having children. My husband is going to be 29 in June. I don't want him to be too old either. We have been together for 7 years. We have had plenty of time alone with each other, and all I have asked God to grace me with is a child. At least one child... and I can't even get that. I'm so angry right now... so done. I go through this stage a lot, but I am no longer trying. I am no longer going through this agony. I am just set on it won't happen. I'm not going to have children. I'm not going to put myself through this anymore.

I just needed to vent.

THough, I don't feel better.

I'm sick of everything.

An Update- a long time coming

2008-07-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

Wow- so much has happened in a few month's time. Jaycee has gone back to be with her mother, but we do get her every other weekend and any other time we want her. It just isn't the same, and I miss my sweet little girl so much. She misses us too, because she doesn't let us out of her sight when she is with us and often will not sleep on her own anymore without us. She is an amazing little girl, and now she is walking! I love to watch her waddle around- she is so precious!

On another note, I found out my little sister is pregnant. She is now getting married August 16, and the baby is due February 22 of 2009. I am happy for her, but I am also really down about it. I never imagined that it would take me this long to become a mother, and I never knew it would include my sister getting pregnant before me.

I also found out that one of my best friends is pregnant (it is a shock to them, too), and she is only a week behind my sister. So, 2 slaps in the face. I am happy for her, but also really down on myself.

I changed doctors recently and am now seeing Dr. Conrad. I have already taken my first round of clomid with him, and I go in this afternoon for an ultrasound since I have not yet had an LH surge. I hope all is well with it. If it goes well today, I'll have an IUI tomorrow, so I hope that it works. I am really nervous about it.

I have also been working at the school on my classroom, and I am very proud to say that my first month's worth of lesson plans are FINISHED- objectives and all. Also, my classroom is completely set up, give or take a few posters and minor details. I'm really excited about this being done so early.

I have less than 20 days until I finish grad school with my master's degree, and I cannot wait. I am so ready to be done and to get that huge pay raise. You just have no idea what a huge relief this is. Now I can focus on my family again, and on myself and my house. I can get back in the swing of a good schedule and now, kids won't affect me going to school at all. Plus, I can focus on my cheerleaders and my book club, as well as my students. I think this is going to be a good year, though I am nervous because this is my tenure year, and I really hope I get to stay. I love it at Liberty and couldn't imagine having to leave.

I guess that's it... a lot, I know.

An update on life, in general

2008-05-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a while since I've posted- I want to apologize for not saying thank you for my comments. I haven't been on here in a while. THANK YOU to those who offered support with my last blog.

Things got better for a while, but they are back to being bad again. All I have to do is ask Chris what he's doing, and he flies off the handle at me, cussing, being smart, yelling. Tonight, I officially move back into the other room again. Maybe longer times away will help, but I don't know.

Jaycee was home for a while, sick. Bless her heart, she had about 4 teeth coming in at once, plus a severe cold. She was just plain miserable; however, she is back with us now and doing well. I took over taking care of her yesterday, and she is just so full of life. I love giving her a bath, feeding her her dinner, and playing with her. My favorite part is after I put her pajamas on after her bath, when she is all lotioned up and is soft and sweet, and I hold her in my arms and rock her as she drinks her bottle. That is my time with her, and it's just the two of us. she is truly a joy to have, and I love her forever.

I even got a mother's day gift from my sweet girl- a gift bag from Fudgey Nut! Yum yum!!!!!!!

Well, I guess that's it... just staying really sick with my Metformin right now (it is tearing my stomach in half- I am really miserable). And, I had to go to the chiropractor. Come to find out, I have double calcification in my ligaments in my back, which has formed a huge, painful knot... More on that later...

Hope all is well with everyone.

Life, Babies, and Family

2008-04-23T18:48:00.001-07:00

This is the one thing Chris doesn't read, so I can spill my guts out here. I am so full of anger and hurt right now. So much is going through my mind..

Over the past couple of months, Chris has become almost IMPOSSIBLE to live with. He's moody, he cusses at about everything, he sleeps 24/7, and he has been spending money like its water. He has made my life a living hell. He barely ever does anything for the fire department anymore, and it is a struggle to get him to do anything at home. If I ask him to do something, it turns in to a huge fight. If I want to go somewhere, or if he wants to go somewhere and I don't, he cusses me, pitches a fit, and makes the night miserable. He yells at the littlest thing. His driving has gotten WORSE, and I'm really shocked he hasn't had a wreck, been shot by another driver, or gotten pulled over and given a ticket. He doesn't care about ANYTHING anymore.

He ran up his cell phone bill to ungodly amounts, that we don't have the money for. He is hiding bills from me, and every day, I check the online banking system, and he is buying things at the store or going to eat somewhere. He has lied to me, he has done things other than what he said he was going to do. He won't have sex with me AT ALL.

When it comes to Jaycee, he is quickly losing patience, and he is starting to resent us having her, I think. He pops her hand or leg for stupid stuff, and he gets frustrated for no reason. He doesn't take the time to rock her anymore, or to hold her, or play with her. He plops her in a walker or high chair, and that's about it.

I have just had enough. After he lied to me, made me worry about where he was for 3 hours, and spent money we didn't have (on Friday), I was nearly fed up. I slept in the other room for 2 nights. I came back to our room on Sunday. Then, on Monday, I was on my way home from school, and I poured my heart out to my mom. I told her all the things that were wrong and she listened and talked with me. When I got home, he had not done a damn thing I asked him to do, so that was the last straw. When he came home, I laid it all on the line. I pulled off my rings, gave them back to him, and told him that I didn't want them until he meant what he did when he gave them to me. I have been sleeping in the other room since, and I will continue to be there.

It is finally time to take back my life and to be happy with myself. I can't have him bringing me down. The scary thing is, I'm not upset. I cried when I was talking to him, but I've been fine since. I have pretty much avoided him- I don't really care to talk to him or be around him right now. There has to be some serious changes before I'll go back near the other room and before things will be better.

Our 4 year wedding anniversary is May 1, just a few weeks away. We have reservations at Grille 29, but I'm thinking that won't happen now. It kills me that at our 4 year wedding anniversary, we're back to that crappy stage from 2 years ago. I don't like it, and I will not live this way. I know it sounds horrible, but a lot of this has to do with the fact that he is spending more time around his family, especially his sister (the one that doesn't like me). He is becoming more like his dad every day. Something always has to be wrong with him, and he is becoming a pissy old man who cusses at everything and everyone. If I wanted to be with someone like that, I wouldn't have married chris the way he was when I married him. I want the old Chris back, but it is beginning to look impossible. I just don't know anymore...

About Jaycee- things are going well. She is spoiled pretty much, but she's great. I love her to pieces, which is making it hard to think about her leaving. My older sister-in-law was talking to her about letting us adopt the baby boy, but I doubt that will happen. Even though she will be barely able to take care of the two fo them, she'll keep him. I got my hopes up with Crystal and ended up crushed without a child, so I don't want the same to happen here. It really stinks.

Unsure

2008-04-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

Today, my husband informed me that we would have Jaycee for 3-5 months now, basically because of the situation her mom is in. Now my mind is swimming with horrible thoughts... what is happening.. what will happen when we give her back... how it will affect me. I am so attached already that I have found myself detaching myself from her so I don't make it harder on myself. I don't want to get up at night anymore... i don't want to give her a bath or get her stuff together. it is just making it too hard. I keep thinking about how great her life will be with us.. how much she will have that she doesn't get at home. It kills me to know that TWO babies will be in a situation with a jobless mother, no fathers, no money, barely the necessities. And again, here I am, ready and willing and in a much better situation to provide.. and I can't have even one. It just isn't fair. I'm not trying to punish her.. i'm trying to keep from punishing myself, which I know I will do, when she goes back home. I am now officially upset. I don't know what to do..

Unsure...

So much going on...

2008-03-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

So right now, I have so much going on my head is literally spinning! Jaycee has been with us for a little over a week, and I am loving every minute of having her. She has been sick the past few days, so getting up in the middle of the night has been tough, but we've actually been doing really well with it. I find myself waking up easily, which is strange, cuz I have always been the deepest sleeper on the face of the planet.

My mothering nature is kicking in big time. I wash bottles at night, pack her bags, organize laundry. It's actually a lot of fun! We are setting up a make-shift nursery for her for a while so she can be more comfortable. I have gotten TONS of donations from people at work for clothes, diapers, etc. It is amazing the response I've gotten. We have a baby bed and a port a crib, and a pack n play from a family friend. Can you believe this? We have so much... it's so great. Some other people at work are getting gift cards, clothes, etc. I mean, wow.

On another note, Chris joined a men's slow-pitch softball team this week. His first game is.. get this.. MONDAY! This coming Monday! Geez, Louise! We still have to find some cleats. We bought a glove tonight (yep, 30 bucks--so much money being spent and no more than normal coming in). I'm glad he's trying something new, though. It should prove to be very interesting, to say the least. =)

And finally, I've joined Liberty's Biggest Loser. We weigh in on Monday, and then the person who loses the most weight gets the pot, which is up to $560 dollars. We have 7 weeks- final weigh in is May 19. You can bet I want to win this money!!!!!! Wish me luck!

An urgent need for someone

2008-03-18T16:20:00.001-07:00

Today, a million things seem to be going through my head at once. A family friend who is the young mother of a 9 month old girl, just found out she is pregnant. She is single, and she has very little money. She does well with what she has, and she has a lot of help from my sister-in-law (who serves as her only family). She just recently found out she was pregnant again (no father in the picture, for either child). Today, she went to the doctor and found out she has a condition (not sure of the name of it right now) that could possibly kill her and the unborn baby. The condition is so serious, that she is going to a lawyer to put me and Chris as the guardians of Jaycee and the unborn child (if the child makes it). I am overwhelmed right now. Jaycee is a beautiful, bright-eyed little girl, full of life and energy. I would love to welcome her to my home if necessary, but I feel so terrible for the mom. I mean... to know that she could lose her life from this condition. I am trying to look on the positive side, but even she isn't very hopeful right now that she will make it through this. I am just a little ... well taken aback that she asked for us to parent her child/ren. Honored... but I hope that she is here to raise her children herself, as she deserves to have these children and care for them and love them.

Oh geez.... what a situation... please pray for her and her family!

And of course, all I can think about... what do I need to be ready for? Do I have the furniture and items to care for this baby? Will I be able to take care of her the way she needs? Lord, I'm going to lose my mind already.

Just an update...

2008-03-17T20:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I went to my first PCOS Meetup at Barnes and Noble. I was happy that several people showed up, but disappointed that still very few showed up from the group. I connected with a few people tonight, especially because so many of us have so much in common.

I am hopeful that this will spring up new friendships and support that I am missing in my life.

I am so glad to also know that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do about this stupid life-long condition.

Oh, and I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday with a new doctor. I am going to talk to him about all of my medications, getting back on track, and regulating every thing. I am hell bent on getting this stuff straight, and I think it is really going to help since it's just one doctor handling all my medication, instead of 3 doctors handling four to five meds.

It's spring break, so I'm sure I'll come up with more to talk about later.

So yeah

2008-03-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

so yeah... I went out last night for the first time in over a year. I had an absolute blast. I feel so great today; I'm not stressing, I'm not worried, I'm not angry. I'm relaxed and calm, and it is a great feeling. I got to dance and sing the night away, which are two of my favorite things to do. Minus the fact that I still have a ringing in my right ear, and I got burned by a cigarette, and I had a nosebleed on the way home... lol alcohol still solved my problems last night.

I am going to make myself a promise that I'm going to have more fun. Laughter is the best medicine to some, but DANCING is the best to me! I really, really enjoy dancing. My husband isn't a fan of it, but he went along with it last night. I think he knew how much I really truly needed last night.

I am going to the doctor in a week. This is a new doctor, and this doctor should be able to help me out a lot better than the old one. My best friend, Jessica, works at this new doctor, and she will always make sure I'm well taken care of. This doctor will also keep track of all my medicine so I don't have to go to 3 different doctors when I need medicine or check ups.

Well, that's all that's going on right now...

Lost (somewhat not PCOS related)

2008-02-23T05:59:00.000-08:00

Some days, I feel like I'm lost. Just plain lost. You know Robert Frost's 2 roads? The one that is worn and weary from use, and the other that is overgrown and wild and hasn't been travelled on in years? I feel like someone left me between the two with no path to follow. I don't have a hint of a path; I'm just in the middle of the woods, surrounded by trees taller than Mount Everest, the silence deafening to my ears, the fear pressing me down. It is amazing to me that I can be in a room full of people... FULL of life, love, happiness... and still feel trapped alone.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not suicidal, but I am lonely and lost. I love my friends, my family, my husband, my job, my students, my house, my car... the list goes on. But that doesn't change how I feel about certain things.

You know when I feel like I'm someone, like I am in a room full of people and I know exactly where I am? When I read. I become engrossed in the novel itself and then find myself hungry for more, like I can't get enough. I just can't let the book go, and I have to keep reading, at all costs. If I put the book down, I'm lost again, so that can't happen, not when I'm so... IMPORTANT... in my book. Not when I have put myself in the position of the main character, not when I have laughed and cried with the emotions in the book... not when I have related to the characters on a personal level. Not when, for at least a fraction of a moment.... I have forgotten the terrible things that make up part of my life.

So, Thursday night, I began Twilight (a recommendation from my co-workers AND several students). I read until 1 in the morning (and yes, I had to work on Friday- I had Moodle training at Central Office). I fell in love with Edward, the hard-bodied, luscious vampire (who would have thought that I would like vampire stories????). I fell in love with Bella, so unsure of herself and yet so perfect for Edward... I became thirsty (haha, get it?) for more. I had to finish. And, I succeeded, last night, in the middle of being sick. I finally finished it. What to do now? Plan B. I had already purchased the sequel, New Moon, from BAM!, so I was prepared. I was just as entralled. 600 pages later, at midnight, I finished. Wow! Two books in two days, both around 500-600 pages. But then, as I turned the light off and rolled over to go to sleep, the lost feeling came creeping back in, like it couldn't be gone for too long, like I should know better than to try and trick it out of me.

I wake up this morning, and that feeling was back. It was just hovering over me. No purpose, no meaning, no importance. Just existing, just being, just lost. I'm itching to get my hands on a copy of Eclipse, so I'll be returning to BAM! today (returning New Moon, of course), and I'll have the book finished before I go back to work on Monday. Then, I'll feel the same way I did when I finished the 7th book of Harry Potter. Empty. Done. Loss of purpose, yet again. I know there is another novel coming out in the series, basically the first book re-written from the point of view of irresistable Edward (now this is definitely something to be excited about- how seductive this will be)... but it's like an end... for now.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. I can't get lost in a book, because I have a purpose there. My purpose is to figure out the story, to root for the characters, to urge them on so that they can live a life I can't.

Does any of this make sense? I am lost in life right now, but I regain part of me when I read. How interesting...

Frustrating moments, still

2008-02-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

You would think I would stop doing this to myself. You would think I wouldn't get my hopes up anymore. You would think I would have learned by now.

You thought wrong.

And apparantly, so did I.

I started today. Yep, the good ole' monthly cycle. Hit me hard this evening.

Why can't I get a break? It seems like nothing I do works. I tried to go for a few months trying to not think about it, trying to avoid the topic. I tried to tell myself I don't care any more. I tried to say my new puppy is taking the place of me wanting a child. I tried to convince myself I was fine. And yet, I'm bad all over again. Just plain bad.

No pregnancy, again. This March 17th marks 6 years of being with Chris. Valentine's Day marked 5 years of being engaged. May 1st marks 4 years of marriage, so we are fast approaching 4 years of infertility. Four freakin' years.

This is the one thing left in my life, and it is the one thing I cannot truly control. Everyone is talking about who's next to get pregnant, and who in our circle of friends will be trying when. It crushes me inside each time this is brought up, and as selfish as it may seem, I don't want anyone else to be before me. I have struggled through this shit long enough. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm pissed, and I don't know where to go from here. It is easy for people, especially those who do have children or who don't want any, to give me advice and tell me "Oh don't be mad..." or "oh quit being selfish..." or "it'll come when God is ready." Forget all that! I don't want to hear it. I want what I want and I want it now, and it is ripping me to shreds that I can't have it. I can't just not think about it. I can't avoid the topic. I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.

I just want to throw in the towel on everything. Just be done. I still haven't been taking my medicine. I have to cancel every damn doctor's appointment I get because of money or poor scheduling. I'm just fed up with it all.

I want a baby. Is that too much to ask?

PCOS and infertility

2008-02-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

Well, for three years, at least, my husband and I have been trying to conceive. Our attempts have been unsuccessful, and there is a possibility that we have had more than one miscarriage. PCOS is currently the leading cause of infertility in women of reproductive age, which means it is more important than people make it out to be.

Currently, studies estimate that women with PCOS have about a 45% miscarriage rate. The unbalanced hormone and insulin levels can contribute to this, but the exact causes of pregnancy problems and infertility are not certain.

Last August, we began fertility treatments. We had a dye test done, which came back normal. That ruled out endometriosis or any other blockage. Chris had the full round of tests two years ago, and the doctors did not feel it necessary to repeat because he was completely normal (and even above average in some areas). They had all my records from my other doctors, so no more tests were needed. We started out on clomid. Then we added in an HCG shot to jump start ovulation. A post-coital test revealed that there were no active, living sperm in the specimen within 4 hours, which shows I might have a sperm anti-body (which has not come back yet in a test). After two failed IUI (intrauterine inseminations) rounds, our next option was injectibles. Unfortunately, insurance doesn't pay for this fully. HALF would be $1500 out of our own pockets, and it isn't gauranteed.

We looked into adoption, but we don't know where we would find the money to adopt; it is so expensive! We'd love to give a good home to a child who doesn't have one, but we can't afford the fees that come along with it.

We're still trying on our own, but I'm feeling like I'll never be a mom. I can't stand to see any pregnant people anymore. I can't stand to talk about it with other people, and I can't stand to hear anyone close to me talk about trying to get pregnant. I am so devastated, I can't focus on what's here and now. I know all of this sounds selfish, but unless you have experienced it yourself, you will never know nor understand how I feel.

Just needed to get that out there. Thanks for listening.

So what is PCOS?

2008-01-31T19:19:00.000-08:00

Above is the difference between a polycystic ovary and a normal ovary. Beautiful, huh? It is estimated that one in ten women have PCOS, and that over half of those women don't even know they have it.

Basically, PCOS affects and is affected by several hormones. Insulin, androgen, and progesterone are three of the main things affected by the condition. My body creates too much insulin (I have insulin resistance), and my body produces too much androgen.

Here are some symptoms of PCOS (this doesn't mean you have it, but if you have several, it could be a good idea to get checked):

Not all women with PCOS share the same symptoms. These are some of the symptoms of PCOS:
- infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
- infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating
-increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes—a condition called hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um)
-ovarian cysts
-acne, oily skin, or dandruff
-weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
-insulin resistance or type 2 diabetes
-high cholesterol
-high blood pressure
-male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
-patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
-skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
-pelvic pain
-anxiety or depression due to appearance and/or infertility
-sleep apnea—excessive snoring and times when breathing stops while asleep

Those of you who know me know I have nearly every symptom listed above. (The list came from http://www.4woman.gov/faq/pcos.htm#a).

Also, here are some of the risk factors for a woman with PCOS (also from the listed website):
- over 50% of women with PCOS will develop diabetes or pre-diabetes before they turn 40
- women with PCOS have a 4 to 7 times the chance of having a heart attack, vs. a woman without PCOS (and other cardiovascular disease)
- high blood pressure
- a chance of developing endometrial cancer

Just so everyone knows, here are the facts about PCOS:

It is treatable, but not curable
It is one of the leading causes of infertility in women
It affects more than just reproduction.
It has been around for 75 years, and doctors still do not know what causes it.
If you are diagnosed with PCOS, it is likely that your mom or sister has it, as well.

PCOS is hard to understand, especially if you don't experience it or don't know much about it. Basically, my body is all out of whack all the time.

In order to get my body on track, I have to take Metformin (the highest dosage allowed, each day, for my insulin resistance), multi-vitamins to help my body stay healthy, plus a pill for the weird symptoms (Spirononlactone), and an anxiety pill to help with my nerves and depression.

So, hopefully you understand now why it is important that everyone knows about this condition. It is important for everyone to know what is going on and how women are affected by it.

Today is the day...

2008-01-30T18:02:00.000-08:00

Today is the day that I stop and say: I'm ready to move on. I have been living in the past with this PCOS junk; I don't want to do this anymore. I am hurting myself. I am constantly hurting my family and friends because I'm not myself anymore. I am giving myself more problems and more pain than is necessary. Why? For what reason? Who would do such a thing?

My heart aches every day because I can't have the one thing I want: a family of my own. I can't be a mommy, something I want so desperately. I can't have a child of my own right now, and I can't even afford to adopt a child. I can only spend time with other people's children, which at times, breaks my heart even more, because they have something I want. I don't say this to try to be or sound selfish; I'm not trying to be. I just know that being a mother is something that I want to do, and something I think I'll be good at. Please don't get me wrong or misunderstand what I'm saying.

However, it isn't in the cards for me right now, apparantly. I am going to have to accept that fact and move on with it. This new blog is about my PCOS journey, my rantings and ravings, my successes and failures, my painful moments, and my exciting new events. I am going to try from here; I felt like I already ruined the year because January did not turn out the way I wanted it to. I guess I can't give up just because of a few set backs. I am rescheduling doctor appointments, getting back on my medicines, and starting my diet and exercise anew, especially since I am done with basketball season after Friday (the 1st). My husband is offering to help out at home more and cooks on school nights (Mondays and Wednesdays), so hopefully, that will help me stay on some sort of schedule.

This blog is not for anyone to ridicule me, judge me, love me, hate me, admire me, or idolize me. This blog is more for ME. I need a place to write, and since handwriting takes so much stinkin' time, I opt to type instead of write. I will write periodically, especially when I can't get to the computer, but most of my journal entries will be here in this blog. I do not want you to be critical of me; I only ask you to think of me, pray for me, and support me, even if you do not understand. I don't expect understanding, and I don't expect you to always agree with me. If you are my friend, you will look out for me and hold my hand and just be there for me. That's all that I truly ask of you.

So here's to my journey. It is going to be a long, hard, bumpy, curvy road, but I think I'm ready for it. Bring it on!

Here's to new beginnings....