Life, Babies, and Family

This is the one thing Chris doesn't read, so I can spill my guts out here. I am so full of anger and hurt right now. So much is going through my mind..

Over the past couple of months, Chris has become almost IMPOSSIBLE to live with. He's moody, he cusses at about everything, he sleeps 24/7, and he has been spending money like its water. He has made my life a living hell. He barely ever does anything for the fire department anymore, and it is a struggle to get him to do anything at home. If I ask him to do something, it turns in to a huge fight. If I want to go somewhere, or if he wants to go somewhere and I don't, he cusses me, pitches a fit, and makes the night miserable. He yells at the littlest thing. His driving has gotten WORSE, and I'm really shocked he hasn't had a wreck, been shot by another driver, or gotten pulled over and given a ticket. He doesn't care about ANYTHING anymore.

He ran up his cell phone bill to ungodly amounts, that we don't have the money for. He is hiding bills from me, and every day, I check the online banking system, and he is buying things at the store or going to eat somewhere. He has lied to me, he has done things other than what he said he was going to do. He won't have sex with me AT ALL.

When it comes to Jaycee, he is quickly losing patience, and he is starting to resent us having her, I think. He pops her hand or leg for stupid stuff, and he gets frustrated for no reason. He doesn't take the time to rock her anymore, or to hold her, or play with her. He plops her in a walker or high chair, and that's about it.

I have just had enough. After he lied to me, made me worry about where he was for 3 hours, and spent money we didn't have (on Friday), I was nearly fed up. I slept in the other room for 2 nights. I came back to our room on Sunday. Then, on Monday, I was on my way home from school, and I poured my heart out to my mom. I told her all the things that were wrong and she listened and talked with me. When I got home, he had not done a damn thing I asked him to do, so that was the last straw. When he came home, I laid it all on the line. I pulled off my rings, gave them back to him, and told him that I didn't want them until he meant what he did when he gave them to me. I have been sleeping in the other room since, and I will continue to be there.

It is finally time to take back my life and to be happy with myself. I can't have him bringing me down. The scary thing is, I'm not upset. I cried when I was talking to him, but I've been fine since. I have pretty much avoided him- I don't really care to talk to him or be around him right now. There has to be some serious changes before I'll go back near the other room and before things will be better.

Our 4 year wedding anniversary is May 1, just a few weeks away. We have reservations at Grille 29, but I'm thinking that won't happen now. It kills me that at our 4 year wedding anniversary, we're back to that crappy stage from 2 years ago. I don't like it, and I will not live this way. I know it sounds horrible, but a lot of this has to do with the fact that he is spending more time around his family, especially his sister (the one that doesn't like me). He is becoming more like his dad every day. Something always has to be wrong with him, and he is becoming a pissy old man who cusses at everything and everyone. If I wanted to be with someone like that, I wouldn't have married chris the way he was when I married him. I want the old Chris back, but it is beginning to look impossible. I just don't know anymore...

About Jaycee- things are going well. She is spoiled pretty much, but she's great. I love her to pieces, which is making it hard to think about her leaving. My older sister-in-law was talking to her about letting us adopt the baby boy, but I doubt that will happen. Even though she will be barely able to take care of the two fo them, she'll keep him. I got my hopes up with Crystal and ended up crushed without a child, so I don't want the same to happen here. It really stinks.

Unsure

Today, my husband informed me that we would have Jaycee for 3-5 months now, basically because of the situation her mom is in. Now my mind is swimming with horrible thoughts... what is happening.. what will happen when we give her back... how it will affect me. I am so attached already that I have found myself detaching myself from her so I don't make it harder on myself. I don't want to get up at night anymore... i don't want to give her a bath or get her stuff together. it is just making it too hard. I keep thinking about how great her life will be with us.. how much she will have that she doesn't get at home. It kills me to know that TWO babies will be in a situation with a jobless mother, no fathers, no money, barely the necessities. And again, here I am, ready and willing and in a much better situation to provide.. and I can't have even one. It just isn't fair. I'm not trying to punish her.. i'm trying to keep from punishing myself, which I know I will do, when she goes back home. I am now officially upset. I don't know what to do..


Unsure...