A news update

I know it seems extremely selfish of me, but I am happy that my friends all have boys. It actually gives me hope that maybe God does want me to be first at something... since I'll be the last to have a baby. Maybe I get to have the first girl in my close group, although no one ever thinks "Amber will be next." I stay far from their minds. It really hurts my feelings that I have been trying to conceive longer than ANY of them have, and I mean ANY of them, and they all think that it just won't ever be me. I mean, I'm the one going through the hard time. Why aren't they more supportive?

On another note, we just had some disturbing news. Chris's dad has colon cancer, they think, and is having surgery to remove all polyps on Monday. They have also run scans because they are afraid the cancer has spread to his prostate and his brain (which in his brain would account for the severe memory problems and focusing issues he has been having). If that is the case, there is not much they can do. Chris is really torn up, and understandably so. I think he is more upset that his dad has not been taking care of himself like he should and has refused to go to the doctor for a long time, and he denies that he has anything wrong with him. In the same situation, Chris's mom is also having heart trouble. She was born with a heart condition, and now, one side of her heart is working at 45%, the other at 35%. So needless to say, we are overwhelmed with bad news right now.

I say all of that to lead to my next topic, which is, of course, having a baby. Chris really wants to pursue fertility treatments again after finding this information out about his parents. He wants his parents to be around for a grandchild from him, especially his dad. He is his dad's only biological child, so technically, his dad doesn't have any blood grandchildren. So, we are starting back with fertility treatments this next month.

Soul Searching and Finding ME

I'm not quite sure what to say in this blog, as I'm not quite sure what is going on with me, what I am thinking, why I'm thinking it, anything.

I have been pretty reflective lately, and I'm not really very happy with me or anyone else.

I started my period today, after a 7 day late streak... a streak that again got my hopes up for a pregnancy, since I don't have to take care of my sisters anymore after their pregnancies and complications. Why can't it just be me for a change? I am so depressed and hurt that it is never me... I've been trying longer than any of my friends, my sister, etc., and I have no child of my own. The one thing I've always been so afraid of... I don't have, and I really honestly think I won't ever have. I do not want to be 30 and having children. My husband is going to be 29 in June. I don't want him to be too old either. We have been together for 7 years. We have had plenty of time alone with each other, and all I have asked God to grace me with is a child. At least one child... and I can't even get that. I'm so angry right now... so done. I go through this stage a lot, but I am no longer trying. I am no longer going through this agony. I am just set on it won't happen. I'm not going to have children. I'm not going to put myself through this anymore.

I just needed to vent.

THough, I don't feel better.

I'm sick of everything.