Lost (somewhat not PCOS related)

Some days, I feel like I'm lost. Just plain lost. You know Robert Frost's 2 roads? The one that is worn and weary from use, and the other that is overgrown and wild and hasn't been travelled on in years? I feel like someone left me between the two with no path to follow. I don't have a hint of a path; I'm just in the middle of the woods, surrounded by trees taller than Mount Everest, the silence deafening to my ears, the fear pressing me down. It is amazing to me that I can be in a room full of people... FULL of life, love, happiness... and still feel trapped alone.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not suicidal, but I am lonely and lost. I love my friends, my family, my husband, my job, my students, my house, my car... the list goes on. But that doesn't change how I feel about certain things.

You know when I feel like I'm someone, like I am in a room full of people and I know exactly where I am? When I read. I become engrossed in the novel itself and then find myself hungry for more, like I can't get enough. I just can't let the book go, and I have to keep reading, at all costs. If I put the book down, I'm lost again, so that can't happen, not when I'm so... IMPORTANT... in my book. Not when I have put myself in the position of the main character, not when I have laughed and cried with the emotions in the book... not when I have related to the characters on a personal level. Not when, for at least a fraction of a moment.... I have forgotten the terrible things that make up part of my life.

So, Thursday night, I began Twilight (a recommendation from my co-workers AND several students). I read until 1 in the morning (and yes, I had to work on Friday- I had Moodle training at Central Office). I fell in love with Edward, the hard-bodied, luscious vampire (who would have thought that I would like vampire stories????). I fell in love with Bella, so unsure of herself and yet so perfect for Edward... I became thirsty (haha, get it?) for more. I had to finish. And, I succeeded, last night, in the middle of being sick. I finally finished it. What to do now? Plan B. I had already purchased the sequel, New Moon, from BAM!, so I was prepared. I was just as entralled. 600 pages later, at midnight, I finished. Wow! Two books in two days, both around 500-600 pages. But then, as I turned the light off and rolled over to go to sleep, the lost feeling came creeping back in, like it couldn't be gone for too long, like I should know better than to try and trick it out of me.

I wake up this morning, and that feeling was back. It was just hovering over me. No purpose, no meaning, no importance. Just existing, just being, just lost. I'm itching to get my hands on a copy of Eclipse, so I'll be returning to BAM! today (returning New Moon, of course), and I'll have the book finished before I go back to work on Monday. Then, I'll feel the same way I did when I finished the 7th book of Harry Potter. Empty. Done. Loss of purpose, yet again. I know there is another novel coming out in the series, basically the first book re-written from the point of view of irresistable Edward (now this is definitely something to be excited about- how seductive this will be)... but it's like an end... for now.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. I can't get lost in a book, because I have a purpose there. My purpose is to figure out the story, to root for the characters, to urge them on so that they can live a life I can't.

Does any of this make sense? I am lost in life right now, but I regain part of me when I read. How interesting...

Frustrating moments, still

You would think I would stop doing this to myself. You would think I wouldn't get my hopes up anymore. You would think I would have learned by now.

You thought wrong.

And apparantly, so did I.

I started today. Yep, the good ole' monthly cycle. Hit me hard this evening.

Why can't I get a break? It seems like nothing I do works. I tried to go for a few months trying to not think about it, trying to avoid the topic. I tried to tell myself I don't care any more. I tried to say my new puppy is taking the place of me wanting a child. I tried to convince myself I was fine. And yet, I'm bad all over again. Just plain bad.

No pregnancy, again. This March 17th marks 6 years of being with Chris. Valentine's Day marked 5 years of being engaged. May 1st marks 4 years of marriage, so we are fast approaching 4 years of infertility. Four freakin' years.

This is the one thing left in my life, and it is the one thing I cannot truly control. Everyone is talking about who's next to get pregnant, and who in our circle of friends will be trying when. It crushes me inside each time this is brought up, and as selfish as it may seem, I don't want anyone else to be before me. I have struggled through this shit long enough. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm pissed, and I don't know where to go from here. It is easy for people, especially those who do have children or who don't want any, to give me advice and tell me "Oh don't be mad..." or "oh quit being selfish..." or "it'll come when God is ready." Forget all that! I don't want to hear it. I want what I want and I want it now, and it is ripping me to shreds that I can't have it. I can't just not think about it. I can't avoid the topic. I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.

I just want to throw in the towel on everything. Just be done. I still haven't been taking my medicine. I have to cancel every damn doctor's appointment I get because of money or poor scheduling. I'm just fed up with it all.

I want a baby. Is that too much to ask?

PCOS and infertility

Well, for three years, at least, my husband and I have been trying to conceive. Our attempts have been unsuccessful, and there is a possibility that we have had more than one miscarriage. PCOS is currently the leading cause of infertility in women of reproductive age, which means it is more important than people make it out to be.

Currently, studies estimate that women with PCOS have about a 45% miscarriage rate. The unbalanced hormone and insulin levels can contribute to this, but the exact causes of pregnancy problems and infertility are not certain.

Last August, we began fertility treatments. We had a dye test done, which came back normal. That ruled out endometriosis or any other blockage. Chris had the full round of tests two years ago, and the doctors did not feel it necessary to repeat because he was completely normal (and even above average in some areas). They had all my records from my other doctors, so no more tests were needed. We started out on clomid. Then we added in an HCG shot to jump start ovulation. A post-coital test revealed that there were no active, living sperm in the specimen within 4 hours, which shows I might have a sperm anti-body (which has not come back yet in a test). After two failed IUI (intrauterine inseminations) rounds, our next option was injectibles. Unfortunately, insurance doesn't pay for this fully. HALF would be $1500 out of our own pockets, and it isn't gauranteed.

We looked into adoption, but we don't know where we would find the money to adopt; it is so expensive! We'd love to give a good home to a child who doesn't have one, but we can't afford the fees that come along with it.

We're still trying on our own, but I'm feeling like I'll never be a mom. I can't stand to see any pregnant people anymore. I can't stand to talk about it with other people, and I can't stand to hear anyone close to me talk about trying to get pregnant. I am so devastated, I can't focus on what's here and now. I know all of this sounds selfish, but unless you have experienced it yourself, you will never know nor understand how I feel.

Just needed to get that out there. Thanks for listening.