Some days, I feel like I'm lost. Just plain lost. You know Robert Frost's 2 roads? The one that is worn and weary from use, and the other that is overgrown and wild and hasn't been travelled on in years? I feel like someone left me between the two with no path to follow. I don't have a hint of a path; I'm just in the middle of the woods, surrounded by trees taller than Mount Everest, the silence deafening to my ears, the fear pressing me down. It is amazing to me that I can be in a room full of people... FULL of life, love, happiness... and still feel trapped alone.
Don't misunderstand me. I'm not suicidal, but I am lonely and lost. I love my friends, my family, my husband, my job, my students, my house, my car... the list goes on. But that doesn't change how I feel about certain things.
You know when I feel like I'm someone, like I am in a room full of people and I know exactly where I am? When I read. I become engrossed in the novel itself and then find myself hungry for more, like I can't get enough. I just can't let the book go, and I have to keep reading, at all costs. If I put the book down, I'm lost again, so that can't happen, not when I'm so... IMPORTANT... in my book. Not when I have put myself in the position of the main character, not when I have laughed and cried with the emotions in the book... not when I have related to the characters on a personal level. Not when, for at least a fraction of a moment.... I have forgotten the terrible things that make up part of my life.
So, Thursday night, I began Twilight (a recommendation from my co-workers AND several students). I read until 1 in the morning (and yes, I had to work on Friday- I had Moodle training at Central Office). I fell in love with Edward, the hard-bodied, luscious vampire (who would have thought that I would like vampire stories????). I fell in love with Bella, so unsure of herself and yet so perfect for Edward... I became thirsty (haha, get it?) for more. I had to finish. And, I succeeded, last night, in the middle of being sick. I finally finished it. What to do now? Plan B. I had already purchased the sequel, New Moon, from BAM!, so I was prepared. I was just as entralled. 600 pages later, at midnight, I finished. Wow! Two books in two days, both around 500-600 pages. But then, as I turned the light off and rolled over to go to sleep, the lost feeling came creeping back in, like it couldn't be gone for too long, like I should know better than to try and trick it out of me.
I wake up this morning, and that feeling was back. It was just hovering over me. No purpose, no meaning, no importance. Just existing, just being, just lost. I'm itching to get my hands on a copy of Eclipse, so I'll be returning to BAM! today (returning New Moon, of course), and I'll have the book finished before I go back to work on Monday. Then, I'll feel the same way I did when I finished the 7th book of Harry Potter. Empty. Done. Loss of purpose, yet again. I know there is another novel coming out in the series, basically the first book re-written from the point of view of irresistable Edward (now this is definitely something to be excited about- how seductive this will be)... but it's like an end... for now.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. I can't get lost in a book, because I have a purpose there. My purpose is to figure out the story, to root for the characters, to urge them on so that they can live a life I can't.
Does any of this make sense? I am lost in life right now, but I regain part of me when I read. How interesting...
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4 comments:
I totally get how you feel. I've always been one to try and escape my troubles in books. THat's why I have a HUGE TBR pile by me bed; whenever I'm feeling blue, I buy a book. I've finally just decided to be grateful that I have that outlet. I have no idea how people who don't read entertain themselves, ha ha!
Oh, and thanks for your kind words on my blog. I figured "Bite it, Sparkman" would garner some attention! I'm glad you've found peace away from that place, too. It was a really wonderful place to work when I first started there, but man, did it go downhill. And like you said, there are a lot of people just stuck there. Sad.
I do get what you mean like Rachel, however I believe a lot of this may be the unexplained depression PCOS can bring on those of us suffering with it!
I read your comment just now...been a busy weekend and I didn't see your comment till I checked my email. Sorry. I know there is conflicting info. It drives me insane too trying to figure out what is right and wrong. I think the approach I have taken is the National Institute of Health and the Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome Association (pcossupport.org) are the most accurate. There are "miracles" and "programs" out there that are a dime a dozen and some are also trying to make money off you because they offer what they think is a cure!
The best thing to do is get on Metfornin!!! ASAP! Try the time released it works best and take it at night. Second work out, walk, run whatever you can handle at least a 1/2 per day. You can do what I do and add a green tea pill to speed up your metabolism. I used to use ephedra but that makes me too jumpy, so I use green tea instead and it really helps! I am loosing about a lb a day. I am (not being rude here) not in need of loosing as much as you, however I have the SAME Issues and pain and frusterations that go with it so don't go down that path like I did when I saw a skinny girl who had PCOS and thought "she has no idea what I am dealing with" because she is not very heavy and that could be me. Make sure you are following the South Beach diet...it is the one that all 7 Doctors I have seen reccomend! I am getting into BioIdentical Hormones but still watching the research. Suzanne Somers has amazing books regarding it as she is in menopause, however it is valuable info she has used her celebrity to research and bring to the public. Keep your eye on that.
As for your friends and having babies etc....Sucks! My sister-in-law had her baby last week and it sucks....BUT on a positive note...My Aunt who was 46 when she got pregnant (she had PCOS) has the most amazing relationships with two adopted kids and her natural daughter, my cousin who is not 11, and being a parent later in life has been so rewarding for her! DON'T give up hope.
I promise you if you do those 4 little steps I told you that you will see a change...You MUST do it because you life depends on it as this is fatal. Email me if you need more info, I have access to a lot of research going on and amazing info to help you!
Hope this makes you feel a spark of hope and brighten your day! I will add you to my blogroll so I can keep up. Visit some of my friends too, they have been tremendous help and I have a HUGE support system online! I am positive they would be there for you!
xx-Molly
Yikes I was in a hurry to type that...sorry.
I meant...my cousins is NOW 11 and that skinny girl is NOW very heavy and meaning it could be me if I don't keep up with the meds. Also forgot to mention you can take Celexa for depression and it will not affect your treatment! I took it after my divorce and it was a life saver! I am not on it now as I don't need it BUT if I ever do I am ready and armed with a Rx for it! Maybe it will help take the sadness edge off...maybe not. A healthy diet free of sugars (I use subsitutes and SomerSweet) and loads of veggies and meats (protein) and fish. It TOTALLY boosts me up! try it for two weeks ON the medication and let me know how you feel....remember to excercise!!
xx
sorry I haven't check your blog for a couple days.....I too have always escaped into books. I love to read and do it as much as possible...as to your previous post hang in there.
I know the disappointment you feel...giving you a hug arcoss the screen.
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