Frustrating moments, still

You would think I would stop doing this to myself. You would think I wouldn't get my hopes up anymore. You would think I would have learned by now.

You thought wrong.

And apparantly, so did I.

I started today. Yep, the good ole' monthly cycle. Hit me hard this evening.

Why can't I get a break? It seems like nothing I do works. I tried to go for a few months trying to not think about it, trying to avoid the topic. I tried to tell myself I don't care any more. I tried to say my new puppy is taking the place of me wanting a child. I tried to convince myself I was fine. And yet, I'm bad all over again. Just plain bad.

No pregnancy, again. This March 17th marks 6 years of being with Chris. Valentine's Day marked 5 years of being engaged. May 1st marks 4 years of marriage, so we are fast approaching 4 years of infertility. Four freakin' years.

This is the one thing left in my life, and it is the one thing I cannot truly control. Everyone is talking about who's next to get pregnant, and who in our circle of friends will be trying when. It crushes me inside each time this is brought up, and as selfish as it may seem, I don't want anyone else to be before me. I have struggled through this shit long enough. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm pissed, and I don't know where to go from here. It is easy for people, especially those who do have children or who don't want any, to give me advice and tell me "Oh don't be mad..." or "oh quit being selfish..." or "it'll come when God is ready." Forget all that! I don't want to hear it. I want what I want and I want it now, and it is ripping me to shreds that I can't have it. I can't just not think about it. I can't avoid the topic. I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.

I just want to throw in the towel on everything. Just be done. I still haven't been taking my medicine. I have to cancel every damn doctor's appointment I get because of money or poor scheduling. I'm just fed up with it all.

I want a baby. Is that too much to ask?