Wow- so much has happened in a few month's time. Jaycee has gone back to be with her mother, but we do get her every other weekend and any other time we want her. It just isn't the same, and I miss my sweet little girl so much. She misses us too, because she doesn't let us out of her sight when she is with us and often will not sleep on her own anymore without us. She is an amazing little girl, and now she is walking! I love to watch her waddle around- she is so precious!
On another note, I found out my little sister is pregnant. She is now getting married August 16, and the baby is due February 22 of 2009. I am happy for her, but I am also really down about it. I never imagined that it would take me this long to become a mother, and I never knew it would include my sister getting pregnant before me.
I also found out that one of my best friends is pregnant (it is a shock to them, too), and she is only a week behind my sister. So, 2 slaps in the face. I am happy for her, but also really down on myself.
I changed doctors recently and am now seeing Dr. Conrad. I have already taken my first round of clomid with him, and I go in this afternoon for an ultrasound since I have not yet had an LH surge. I hope all is well with it. If it goes well today, I'll have an IUI tomorrow, so I hope that it works. I am really nervous about it.
I have also been working at the school on my classroom, and I am very proud to say that my first month's worth of lesson plans are FINISHED- objectives and all. Also, my classroom is completely set up, give or take a few posters and minor details. I'm really excited about this being done so early.
I have less than 20 days until I finish grad school with my master's degree, and I cannot wait. I am so ready to be done and to get that huge pay raise. You just have no idea what a huge relief this is. Now I can focus on my family again, and on myself and my house. I can get back in the swing of a good schedule and now, kids won't affect me going to school at all. Plus, I can focus on my cheerleaders and my book club, as well as my students. I think this is going to be a good year, though I am nervous because this is my tenure year, and I really hope I get to stay. I love it at Liberty and couldn't imagine having to leave.
I guess that's it... a lot, I know.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
An update on life, in general
Well, it has been a while since I've posted- I want to apologize for not saying thank you for my comments. I haven't been on here in a while. THANK YOU to those who offered support with my last blog.
Things got better for a while, but they are back to being bad again. All I have to do is ask Chris what he's doing, and he flies off the handle at me, cussing, being smart, yelling. Tonight, I officially move back into the other room again. Maybe longer times away will help, but I don't know.
Jaycee was home for a while, sick. Bless her heart, she had about 4 teeth coming in at once, plus a severe cold. She was just plain miserable; however, she is back with us now and doing well. I took over taking care of her yesterday, and she is just so full of life. I love giving her a bath, feeding her her dinner, and playing with her. My favorite part is after I put her pajamas on after her bath, when she is all lotioned up and is soft and sweet, and I hold her in my arms and rock her as she drinks her bottle. That is my time with her, and it's just the two of us. she is truly a joy to have, and I love her forever.
I even got a mother's day gift from my sweet girl- a gift bag from Fudgey Nut! Yum yum!!!!!!!
Well, I guess that's it... just staying really sick with my Metformin right now (it is tearing my stomach in half- I am really miserable). And, I had to go to the chiropractor. Come to find out, I have double calcification in my ligaments in my back, which has formed a huge, painful knot... More on that later...
Hope all is well with everyone.
Things got better for a while, but they are back to being bad again. All I have to do is ask Chris what he's doing, and he flies off the handle at me, cussing, being smart, yelling. Tonight, I officially move back into the other room again. Maybe longer times away will help, but I don't know.
Jaycee was home for a while, sick. Bless her heart, she had about 4 teeth coming in at once, plus a severe cold. She was just plain miserable; however, she is back with us now and doing well. I took over taking care of her yesterday, and she is just so full of life. I love giving her a bath, feeding her her dinner, and playing with her. My favorite part is after I put her pajamas on after her bath, when she is all lotioned up and is soft and sweet, and I hold her in my arms and rock her as she drinks her bottle. That is my time with her, and it's just the two of us. she is truly a joy to have, and I love her forever.
I even got a mother's day gift from my sweet girl- a gift bag from Fudgey Nut! Yum yum!!!!!!!
Well, I guess that's it... just staying really sick with my Metformin right now (it is tearing my stomach in half- I am really miserable). And, I had to go to the chiropractor. Come to find out, I have double calcification in my ligaments in my back, which has formed a huge, painful knot... More on that later...
Hope all is well with everyone.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Life, Babies, and Family
This is the one thing Chris doesn't read, so I can spill my guts out here. I am so full of anger and hurt right now. So much is going through my mind..
Over the past couple of months, Chris has become almost IMPOSSIBLE to live with. He's moody, he cusses at about everything, he sleeps 24/7, and he has been spending money like its water. He has made my life a living hell. He barely ever does anything for the fire department anymore, and it is a struggle to get him to do anything at home. If I ask him to do something, it turns in to a huge fight. If I want to go somewhere, or if he wants to go somewhere and I don't, he cusses me, pitches a fit, and makes the night miserable. He yells at the littlest thing. His driving has gotten WORSE, and I'm really shocked he hasn't had a wreck, been shot by another driver, or gotten pulled over and given a ticket. He doesn't care about ANYTHING anymore.
He ran up his cell phone bill to ungodly amounts, that we don't have the money for. He is hiding bills from me, and every day, I check the online banking system, and he is buying things at the store or going to eat somewhere. He has lied to me, he has done things other than what he said he was going to do. He won't have sex with me AT ALL.
When it comes to Jaycee, he is quickly losing patience, and he is starting to resent us having her, I think. He pops her hand or leg for stupid stuff, and he gets frustrated for no reason. He doesn't take the time to rock her anymore, or to hold her, or play with her. He plops her in a walker or high chair, and that's about it.
I have just had enough. After he lied to me, made me worry about where he was for 3 hours, and spent money we didn't have (on Friday), I was nearly fed up. I slept in the other room for 2 nights. I came back to our room on Sunday. Then, on Monday, I was on my way home from school, and I poured my heart out to my mom. I told her all the things that were wrong and she listened and talked with me. When I got home, he had not done a damn thing I asked him to do, so that was the last straw. When he came home, I laid it all on the line. I pulled off my rings, gave them back to him, and told him that I didn't want them until he meant what he did when he gave them to me. I have been sleeping in the other room since, and I will continue to be there.
It is finally time to take back my life and to be happy with myself. I can't have him bringing me down. The scary thing is, I'm not upset. I cried when I was talking to him, but I've been fine since. I have pretty much avoided him- I don't really care to talk to him or be around him right now. There has to be some serious changes before I'll go back near the other room and before things will be better.
Our 4 year wedding anniversary is May 1, just a few weeks away. We have reservations at Grille 29, but I'm thinking that won't happen now. It kills me that at our 4 year wedding anniversary, we're back to that crappy stage from 2 years ago. I don't like it, and I will not live this way. I know it sounds horrible, but a lot of this has to do with the fact that he is spending more time around his family, especially his sister (the one that doesn't like me). He is becoming more like his dad every day. Something always has to be wrong with him, and he is becoming a pissy old man who cusses at everything and everyone. If I wanted to be with someone like that, I wouldn't have married chris the way he was when I married him. I want the old Chris back, but it is beginning to look impossible. I just don't know anymore...
About Jaycee- things are going well. She is spoiled pretty much, but she's great. I love her to pieces, which is making it hard to think about her leaving. My older sister-in-law was talking to her about letting us adopt the baby boy, but I doubt that will happen. Even though she will be barely able to take care of the two fo them, she'll keep him. I got my hopes up with Crystal and ended up crushed without a child, so I don't want the same to happen here. It really stinks.
Over the past couple of months, Chris has become almost IMPOSSIBLE to live with. He's moody, he cusses at about everything, he sleeps 24/7, and he has been spending money like its water. He has made my life a living hell. He barely ever does anything for the fire department anymore, and it is a struggle to get him to do anything at home. If I ask him to do something, it turns in to a huge fight. If I want to go somewhere, or if he wants to go somewhere and I don't, he cusses me, pitches a fit, and makes the night miserable. He yells at the littlest thing. His driving has gotten WORSE, and I'm really shocked he hasn't had a wreck, been shot by another driver, or gotten pulled over and given a ticket. He doesn't care about ANYTHING anymore.
He ran up his cell phone bill to ungodly amounts, that we don't have the money for. He is hiding bills from me, and every day, I check the online banking system, and he is buying things at the store or going to eat somewhere. He has lied to me, he has done things other than what he said he was going to do. He won't have sex with me AT ALL.
When it comes to Jaycee, he is quickly losing patience, and he is starting to resent us having her, I think. He pops her hand or leg for stupid stuff, and he gets frustrated for no reason. He doesn't take the time to rock her anymore, or to hold her, or play with her. He plops her in a walker or high chair, and that's about it.
I have just had enough. After he lied to me, made me worry about where he was for 3 hours, and spent money we didn't have (on Friday), I was nearly fed up. I slept in the other room for 2 nights. I came back to our room on Sunday. Then, on Monday, I was on my way home from school, and I poured my heart out to my mom. I told her all the things that were wrong and she listened and talked with me. When I got home, he had not done a damn thing I asked him to do, so that was the last straw. When he came home, I laid it all on the line. I pulled off my rings, gave them back to him, and told him that I didn't want them until he meant what he did when he gave them to me. I have been sleeping in the other room since, and I will continue to be there.
It is finally time to take back my life and to be happy with myself. I can't have him bringing me down. The scary thing is, I'm not upset. I cried when I was talking to him, but I've been fine since. I have pretty much avoided him- I don't really care to talk to him or be around him right now. There has to be some serious changes before I'll go back near the other room and before things will be better.
Our 4 year wedding anniversary is May 1, just a few weeks away. We have reservations at Grille 29, but I'm thinking that won't happen now. It kills me that at our 4 year wedding anniversary, we're back to that crappy stage from 2 years ago. I don't like it, and I will not live this way. I know it sounds horrible, but a lot of this has to do with the fact that he is spending more time around his family, especially his sister (the one that doesn't like me). He is becoming more like his dad every day. Something always has to be wrong with him, and he is becoming a pissy old man who cusses at everything and everyone. If I wanted to be with someone like that, I wouldn't have married chris the way he was when I married him. I want the old Chris back, but it is beginning to look impossible. I just don't know anymore...
About Jaycee- things are going well. She is spoiled pretty much, but she's great. I love her to pieces, which is making it hard to think about her leaving. My older sister-in-law was talking to her about letting us adopt the baby boy, but I doubt that will happen. Even though she will be barely able to take care of the two fo them, she'll keep him. I got my hopes up with Crystal and ended up crushed without a child, so I don't want the same to happen here. It really stinks.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Unsure
Today, my husband informed me that we would have Jaycee for 3-5 months now, basically because of the situation her mom is in. Now my mind is swimming with horrible thoughts... what is happening.. what will happen when we give her back... how it will affect me. I am so attached already that I have found myself detaching myself from her so I don't make it harder on myself. I don't want to get up at night anymore... i don't want to give her a bath or get her stuff together. it is just making it too hard. I keep thinking about how great her life will be with us.. how much she will have that she doesn't get at home. It kills me to know that TWO babies will be in a situation with a jobless mother, no fathers, no money, barely the necessities. And again, here I am, ready and willing and in a much better situation to provide.. and I can't have even one. It just isn't fair. I'm not trying to punish her.. i'm trying to keep from punishing myself, which I know I will do, when she goes back home. I am now officially upset. I don't know what to do..
Unsure...
Unsure...
Friday, March 28, 2008
So much going on...
So right now, I have so much going on my head is literally spinning! Jaycee has been with us for a little over a week, and I am loving every minute of having her. She has been sick the past few days, so getting up in the middle of the night has been tough, but we've actually been doing really well with it. I find myself waking up easily, which is strange, cuz I have always been the deepest sleeper on the face of the planet.
My mothering nature is kicking in big time. I wash bottles at night, pack her bags, organize laundry. It's actually a lot of fun! We are setting up a make-shift nursery for her for a while so she can be more comfortable. I have gotten TONS of donations from people at work for clothes, diapers, etc. It is amazing the response I've gotten. We have a baby bed and a port a crib, and a pack n play from a family friend. Can you believe this? We have so much... it's so great. Some other people at work are getting gift cards, clothes, etc. I mean, wow.
On another note, Chris joined a men's slow-pitch softball team this week. His first game is.. get this.. MONDAY! This coming Monday! Geez, Louise! We still have to find some cleats. We bought a glove tonight (yep, 30 bucks--so much money being spent and no more than normal coming in). I'm glad he's trying something new, though. It should prove to be very interesting, to say the least. =)
And finally, I've joined Liberty's Biggest Loser. We weigh in on Monday, and then the person who loses the most weight gets the pot, which is up to $560 dollars. We have 7 weeks- final weigh in is May 19. You can bet I want to win this money!!!!!! Wish me luck!
My mothering nature is kicking in big time. I wash bottles at night, pack her bags, organize laundry. It's actually a lot of fun! We are setting up a make-shift nursery for her for a while so she can be more comfortable. I have gotten TONS of donations from people at work for clothes, diapers, etc. It is amazing the response I've gotten. We have a baby bed and a port a crib, and a pack n play from a family friend. Can you believe this? We have so much... it's so great. Some other people at work are getting gift cards, clothes, etc. I mean, wow.
On another note, Chris joined a men's slow-pitch softball team this week. His first game is.. get this.. MONDAY! This coming Monday! Geez, Louise! We still have to find some cleats. We bought a glove tonight (yep, 30 bucks--so much money being spent and no more than normal coming in). I'm glad he's trying something new, though. It should prove to be very interesting, to say the least. =)
And finally, I've joined Liberty's Biggest Loser. We weigh in on Monday, and then the person who loses the most weight gets the pot, which is up to $560 dollars. We have 7 weeks- final weigh in is May 19. You can bet I want to win this money!!!!!! Wish me luck!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
An urgent need for someone
Today, a million things seem to be going through my head at once. A family friend who is the young mother of a 9 month old girl, just found out she is pregnant. She is single, and she has very little money. She does well with what she has, and she has a lot of help from my sister-in-law (who serves as her only family). She just recently found out she was pregnant again (no father in the picture, for either child). Today, she went to the doctor and found out she has a condition (not sure of the name of it right now) that could possibly kill her and the unborn baby. The condition is so serious, that she is going to a lawyer to put me and Chris as the guardians of Jaycee and the unborn child (if the child makes it). I am overwhelmed right now. Jaycee is a beautiful, bright-eyed little girl, full of life and energy. I would love to welcome her to my home if necessary, but I feel so terrible for the mom. I mean... to know that she could lose her life from this condition. I am trying to look on the positive side, but even she isn't very hopeful right now that she will make it through this. I am just a little ... well taken aback that she asked for us to parent her child/ren. Honored... but I hope that she is here to raise her children herself, as she deserves to have these children and care for them and love them.
Oh geez.... what a situation... please pray for her and her family!
And of course, all I can think about... what do I need to be ready for? Do I have the furniture and items to care for this baby? Will I be able to take care of her the way she needs? Lord, I'm going to lose my mind already.
Oh geez.... what a situation... please pray for her and her family!
And of course, all I can think about... what do I need to be ready for? Do I have the furniture and items to care for this baby? Will I be able to take care of her the way she needs? Lord, I'm going to lose my mind already.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Just an update...
Tonight, I went to my first PCOS Meetup at Barnes and Noble. I was happy that several people showed up, but disappointed that still very few showed up from the group. I connected with a few people tonight, especially because so many of us have so much in common.
I am hopeful that this will spring up new friendships and support that I am missing in my life.
I am so glad to also know that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do about this stupid life-long condition.
Oh, and I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday with a new doctor. I am going to talk to him about all of my medications, getting back on track, and regulating every thing. I am hell bent on getting this stuff straight, and I think it is really going to help since it's just one doctor handling all my medication, instead of 3 doctors handling four to five meds.
It's spring break, so I'm sure I'll come up with more to talk about later.
I am hopeful that this will spring up new friendships and support that I am missing in my life.
I am so glad to also know that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do about this stupid life-long condition.
Oh, and I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday with a new doctor. I am going to talk to him about all of my medications, getting back on track, and regulating every thing. I am hell bent on getting this stuff straight, and I think it is really going to help since it's just one doctor handling all my medication, instead of 3 doctors handling four to five meds.
It's spring break, so I'm sure I'll come up with more to talk about later.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
So yeah
so yeah... I went out last night for the first time in over a year. I had an absolute blast. I feel so great today; I'm not stressing, I'm not worried, I'm not angry. I'm relaxed and calm, and it is a great feeling. I got to dance and sing the night away, which are two of my favorite things to do. Minus the fact that I still have a ringing in my right ear, and I got burned by a cigarette, and I had a nosebleed on the way home... lol alcohol still solved my problems last night.
I am going to make myself a promise that I'm going to have more fun. Laughter is the best medicine to some, but DANCING is the best to me! I really, really enjoy dancing. My husband isn't a fan of it, but he went along with it last night. I think he knew how much I really truly needed last night.
I am going to the doctor in a week. This is a new doctor, and this doctor should be able to help me out a lot better than the old one. My best friend, Jessica, works at this new doctor, and she will always make sure I'm well taken care of. This doctor will also keep track of all my medicine so I don't have to go to 3 different doctors when I need medicine or check ups.
Well, that's all that's going on right now...
I am going to make myself a promise that I'm going to have more fun. Laughter is the best medicine to some, but DANCING is the best to me! I really, really enjoy dancing. My husband isn't a fan of it, but he went along with it last night. I think he knew how much I really truly needed last night.
I am going to the doctor in a week. This is a new doctor, and this doctor should be able to help me out a lot better than the old one. My best friend, Jessica, works at this new doctor, and she will always make sure I'm well taken care of. This doctor will also keep track of all my medicine so I don't have to go to 3 different doctors when I need medicine or check ups.
Well, that's all that's going on right now...
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Lost (somewhat not PCOS related)
Some days, I feel like I'm lost. Just plain lost. You know Robert Frost's 2 roads? The one that is worn and weary from use, and the other that is overgrown and wild and hasn't been travelled on in years? I feel like someone left me between the two with no path to follow. I don't have a hint of a path; I'm just in the middle of the woods, surrounded by trees taller than Mount Everest, the silence deafening to my ears, the fear pressing me down. It is amazing to me that I can be in a room full of people... FULL of life, love, happiness... and still feel trapped alone.
Don't misunderstand me. I'm not suicidal, but I am lonely and lost. I love my friends, my family, my husband, my job, my students, my house, my car... the list goes on. But that doesn't change how I feel about certain things.
You know when I feel like I'm someone, like I am in a room full of people and I know exactly where I am? When I read. I become engrossed in the novel itself and then find myself hungry for more, like I can't get enough. I just can't let the book go, and I have to keep reading, at all costs. If I put the book down, I'm lost again, so that can't happen, not when I'm so... IMPORTANT... in my book. Not when I have put myself in the position of the main character, not when I have laughed and cried with the emotions in the book... not when I have related to the characters on a personal level. Not when, for at least a fraction of a moment.... I have forgotten the terrible things that make up part of my life.
So, Thursday night, I began Twilight (a recommendation from my co-workers AND several students). I read until 1 in the morning (and yes, I had to work on Friday- I had Moodle training at Central Office). I fell in love with Edward, the hard-bodied, luscious vampire (who would have thought that I would like vampire stories????). I fell in love with Bella, so unsure of herself and yet so perfect for Edward... I became thirsty (haha, get it?) for more. I had to finish. And, I succeeded, last night, in the middle of being sick. I finally finished it. What to do now? Plan B. I had already purchased the sequel, New Moon, from BAM!, so I was prepared. I was just as entralled. 600 pages later, at midnight, I finished. Wow! Two books in two days, both around 500-600 pages. But then, as I turned the light off and rolled over to go to sleep, the lost feeling came creeping back in, like it couldn't be gone for too long, like I should know better than to try and trick it out of me.
I wake up this morning, and that feeling was back. It was just hovering over me. No purpose, no meaning, no importance. Just existing, just being, just lost. I'm itching to get my hands on a copy of Eclipse, so I'll be returning to BAM! today (returning New Moon, of course), and I'll have the book finished before I go back to work on Monday. Then, I'll feel the same way I did when I finished the 7th book of Harry Potter. Empty. Done. Loss of purpose, yet again. I know there is another novel coming out in the series, basically the first book re-written from the point of view of irresistable Edward (now this is definitely something to be excited about- how seductive this will be)... but it's like an end... for now.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. I can't get lost in a book, because I have a purpose there. My purpose is to figure out the story, to root for the characters, to urge them on so that they can live a life I can't.
Does any of this make sense? I am lost in life right now, but I regain part of me when I read. How interesting...
Don't misunderstand me. I'm not suicidal, but I am lonely and lost. I love my friends, my family, my husband, my job, my students, my house, my car... the list goes on. But that doesn't change how I feel about certain things.
You know when I feel like I'm someone, like I am in a room full of people and I know exactly where I am? When I read. I become engrossed in the novel itself and then find myself hungry for more, like I can't get enough. I just can't let the book go, and I have to keep reading, at all costs. If I put the book down, I'm lost again, so that can't happen, not when I'm so... IMPORTANT... in my book. Not when I have put myself in the position of the main character, not when I have laughed and cried with the emotions in the book... not when I have related to the characters on a personal level. Not when, for at least a fraction of a moment.... I have forgotten the terrible things that make up part of my life.
So, Thursday night, I began Twilight (a recommendation from my co-workers AND several students). I read until 1 in the morning (and yes, I had to work on Friday- I had Moodle training at Central Office). I fell in love with Edward, the hard-bodied, luscious vampire (who would have thought that I would like vampire stories????). I fell in love with Bella, so unsure of herself and yet so perfect for Edward... I became thirsty (haha, get it?) for more. I had to finish. And, I succeeded, last night, in the middle of being sick. I finally finished it. What to do now? Plan B. I had already purchased the sequel, New Moon, from BAM!, so I was prepared. I was just as entralled. 600 pages later, at midnight, I finished. Wow! Two books in two days, both around 500-600 pages. But then, as I turned the light off and rolled over to go to sleep, the lost feeling came creeping back in, like it couldn't be gone for too long, like I should know better than to try and trick it out of me.
I wake up this morning, and that feeling was back. It was just hovering over me. No purpose, no meaning, no importance. Just existing, just being, just lost. I'm itching to get my hands on a copy of Eclipse, so I'll be returning to BAM! today (returning New Moon, of course), and I'll have the book finished before I go back to work on Monday. Then, I'll feel the same way I did when I finished the 7th book of Harry Potter. Empty. Done. Loss of purpose, yet again. I know there is another novel coming out in the series, basically the first book re-written from the point of view of irresistable Edward (now this is definitely something to be excited about- how seductive this will be)... but it's like an end... for now.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. I can't get lost in a book, because I have a purpose there. My purpose is to figure out the story, to root for the characters, to urge them on so that they can live a life I can't.
Does any of this make sense? I am lost in life right now, but I regain part of me when I read. How interesting...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Frustrating moments, still
You would think I would stop doing this to myself. You would think I wouldn't get my hopes up anymore. You would think I would have learned by now.
You thought wrong.
And apparantly, so did I.
I started today. Yep, the good ole' monthly cycle. Hit me hard this evening.
Why can't I get a break? It seems like nothing I do works. I tried to go for a few months trying to not think about it, trying to avoid the topic. I tried to tell myself I don't care any more. I tried to say my new puppy is taking the place of me wanting a child. I tried to convince myself I was fine. And yet, I'm bad all over again. Just plain bad.
No pregnancy, again. This March 17th marks 6 years of being with Chris. Valentine's Day marked 5 years of being engaged. May 1st marks 4 years of marriage, so we are fast approaching 4 years of infertility. Four freakin' years.
This is the one thing left in my life, and it is the one thing I cannot truly control. Everyone is talking about who's next to get pregnant, and who in our circle of friends will be trying when. It crushes me inside each time this is brought up, and as selfish as it may seem, I don't want anyone else to be before me. I have struggled through this shit long enough. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm pissed, and I don't know where to go from here. It is easy for people, especially those who do have children or who don't want any, to give me advice and tell me "Oh don't be mad..." or "oh quit being selfish..." or "it'll come when God is ready." Forget all that! I don't want to hear it. I want what I want and I want it now, and it is ripping me to shreds that I can't have it. I can't just not think about it. I can't avoid the topic. I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.
I just want to throw in the towel on everything. Just be done. I still haven't been taking my medicine. I have to cancel every damn doctor's appointment I get because of money or poor scheduling. I'm just fed up with it all.
I want a baby. Is that too much to ask?
You thought wrong.
And apparantly, so did I.
I started today. Yep, the good ole' monthly cycle. Hit me hard this evening.
Why can't I get a break? It seems like nothing I do works. I tried to go for a few months trying to not think about it, trying to avoid the topic. I tried to tell myself I don't care any more. I tried to say my new puppy is taking the place of me wanting a child. I tried to convince myself I was fine. And yet, I'm bad all over again. Just plain bad.
No pregnancy, again. This March 17th marks 6 years of being with Chris. Valentine's Day marked 5 years of being engaged. May 1st marks 4 years of marriage, so we are fast approaching 4 years of infertility. Four freakin' years.
This is the one thing left in my life, and it is the one thing I cannot truly control. Everyone is talking about who's next to get pregnant, and who in our circle of friends will be trying when. It crushes me inside each time this is brought up, and as selfish as it may seem, I don't want anyone else to be before me. I have struggled through this shit long enough. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm pissed, and I don't know where to go from here. It is easy for people, especially those who do have children or who don't want any, to give me advice and tell me "Oh don't be mad..." or "oh quit being selfish..." or "it'll come when God is ready." Forget all that! I don't want to hear it. I want what I want and I want it now, and it is ripping me to shreds that I can't have it. I can't just not think about it. I can't avoid the topic. I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.
I just want to throw in the towel on everything. Just be done. I still haven't been taking my medicine. I have to cancel every damn doctor's appointment I get because of money or poor scheduling. I'm just fed up with it all.
I want a baby. Is that too much to ask?
Sunday, February 3, 2008
PCOS and infertility
Well, for three years, at least, my husband and I have been trying to conceive. Our attempts have been unsuccessful, and there is a possibility that we have had more than one miscarriage. PCOS is currently the leading cause of infertility in women of reproductive age, which means it is more important than people make it out to be.
Currently, studies estimate that women with PCOS have about a 45% miscarriage rate. The unbalanced hormone and insulin levels can contribute to this, but the exact causes of pregnancy problems and infertility are not certain.
Last August, we began fertility treatments. We had a dye test done, which came back normal. That ruled out endometriosis or any other blockage. Chris had the full round of tests two years ago, and the doctors did not feel it necessary to repeat because he was completely normal (and even above average in some areas). They had all my records from my other doctors, so no more tests were needed. We started out on clomid. Then we added in an HCG shot to jump start ovulation. A post-coital test revealed that there were no active, living sperm in the specimen within 4 hours, which shows I might have a sperm anti-body (which has not come back yet in a test). After two failed IUI (intrauterine inseminations) rounds, our next option was injectibles. Unfortunately, insurance doesn't pay for this fully. HALF would be $1500 out of our own pockets, and it isn't gauranteed.
We looked into adoption, but we don't know where we would find the money to adopt; it is so expensive! We'd love to give a good home to a child who doesn't have one, but we can't afford the fees that come along with it.
We're still trying on our own, but I'm feeling like I'll never be a mom. I can't stand to see any pregnant people anymore. I can't stand to talk about it with other people, and I can't stand to hear anyone close to me talk about trying to get pregnant. I am so devastated, I can't focus on what's here and now. I know all of this sounds selfish, but unless you have experienced it yourself, you will never know nor understand how I feel.
Just needed to get that out there. Thanks for listening.
Currently, studies estimate that women with PCOS have about a 45% miscarriage rate. The unbalanced hormone and insulin levels can contribute to this, but the exact causes of pregnancy problems and infertility are not certain.
Last August, we began fertility treatments. We had a dye test done, which came back normal. That ruled out endometriosis or any other blockage. Chris had the full round of tests two years ago, and the doctors did not feel it necessary to repeat because he was completely normal (and even above average in some areas). They had all my records from my other doctors, so no more tests were needed. We started out on clomid. Then we added in an HCG shot to jump start ovulation. A post-coital test revealed that there were no active, living sperm in the specimen within 4 hours, which shows I might have a sperm anti-body (which has not come back yet in a test). After two failed IUI (intrauterine inseminations) rounds, our next option was injectibles. Unfortunately, insurance doesn't pay for this fully. HALF would be $1500 out of our own pockets, and it isn't gauranteed.
We looked into adoption, but we don't know where we would find the money to adopt; it is so expensive! We'd love to give a good home to a child who doesn't have one, but we can't afford the fees that come along with it.
We're still trying on our own, but I'm feeling like I'll never be a mom. I can't stand to see any pregnant people anymore. I can't stand to talk about it with other people, and I can't stand to hear anyone close to me talk about trying to get pregnant. I am so devastated, I can't focus on what's here and now. I know all of this sounds selfish, but unless you have experienced it yourself, you will never know nor understand how I feel.
Just needed to get that out there. Thanks for listening.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
So what is PCOS?
Above is the difference between a polycystic ovary and a normal ovary. Beautiful, huh? It is estimated that one in ten women have PCOS, and that over half of those women don't even know they have it.
Basically, PCOS affects and is affected by several hormones. Insulin, androgen, and progesterone are three of the main things affected by the condition. My body creates too much insulin (I have insulin resistance), and my body produces too much androgen.
Here are some symptoms of PCOS (this doesn't mean you have it, but if you have several, it could be a good idea to get checked):
Not all women with PCOS share the same symptoms. These are some of the symptoms of PCOS:
- infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
- infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating
-increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes—a condition called hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um)
-ovarian cysts
-acne, oily skin, or dandruff
-weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
-insulin resistance or type 2 diabetes
-high cholesterol
-high blood pressure
-male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
-patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
-skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
-pelvic pain
-anxiety or depression due to appearance and/or infertility
-sleep apnea—excessive snoring and times when breathing stops while asleep
Those of you who know me know I have nearly every symptom listed above. (The list came from http://www.4woman.gov/faq/pcos.htm#a).
Also, here are some of the risk factors for a woman with PCOS (also from the listed website):
- over 50% of women with PCOS will develop diabetes or pre-diabetes before they turn 40
- women with PCOS have a 4 to 7 times the chance of having a heart attack, vs. a woman without PCOS (and other cardiovascular disease)
- high blood pressure
- a chance of developing endometrial cancer
Just so everyone knows, here are the facts about PCOS:
- It is treatable, but not curable
- It is one of the leading causes of infertility in women
- It affects more than just reproduction.
- It has been around for 75 years, and doctors still do not know what causes it.
- If you are diagnosed with PCOS, it is likely that your mom or sister has it, as well.
PCOS is hard to understand, especially if you don't experience it or don't know much about it. Basically, my body is all out of whack all the time.
In order to get my body on track, I have to take Metformin (the highest dosage allowed, each day, for my insulin resistance), multi-vitamins to help my body stay healthy, plus a pill for the weird symptoms (Spirononlactone), and an anxiety pill to help with my nerves and depression.
So, hopefully you understand now why it is important that everyone knows about this condition. It is important for everyone to know what is going on and how women are affected by it.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Today is the day...
Today is the day that I stop and say: I'm ready to move on. I have been living in the past with this PCOS junk; I don't want to do this anymore. I am hurting myself. I am constantly hurting my family and friends because I'm not myself anymore. I am giving myself more problems and more pain than is necessary. Why? For what reason? Who would do such a thing?
My heart aches every day because I can't have the one thing I want: a family of my own. I can't be a mommy, something I want so desperately. I can't have a child of my own right now, and I can't even afford to adopt a child. I can only spend time with other people's children, which at times, breaks my heart even more, because they have something I want. I don't say this to try to be or sound selfish; I'm not trying to be. I just know that being a mother is something that I want to do, and something I think I'll be good at. Please don't get me wrong or misunderstand what I'm saying.
However, it isn't in the cards for me right now, apparantly. I am going to have to accept that fact and move on with it. This new blog is about my PCOS journey, my rantings and ravings, my successes and failures, my painful moments, and my exciting new events. I am going to try from here; I felt like I already ruined the year because January did not turn out the way I wanted it to. I guess I can't give up just because of a few set backs. I am rescheduling doctor appointments, getting back on my medicines, and starting my diet and exercise anew, especially since I am done with basketball season after Friday (the 1st). My husband is offering to help out at home more and cooks on school nights (Mondays and Wednesdays), so hopefully, that will help me stay on some sort of schedule.
This blog is not for anyone to ridicule me, judge me, love me, hate me, admire me, or idolize me. This blog is more for ME. I need a place to write, and since handwriting takes so much stinkin' time, I opt to type instead of write. I will write periodically, especially when I can't get to the computer, but most of my journal entries will be here in this blog. I do not want you to be critical of me; I only ask you to think of me, pray for me, and support me, even if you do not understand. I don't expect understanding, and I don't expect you to always agree with me. If you are my friend, you will look out for me and hold my hand and just be there for me. That's all that I truly ask of you.
So here's to my journey. It is going to be a long, hard, bumpy, curvy road, but I think I'm ready for it. Bring it on!
Here's to new beginnings....
My heart aches every day because I can't have the one thing I want: a family of my own. I can't be a mommy, something I want so desperately. I can't have a child of my own right now, and I can't even afford to adopt a child. I can only spend time with other people's children, which at times, breaks my heart even more, because they have something I want. I don't say this to try to be or sound selfish; I'm not trying to be. I just know that being a mother is something that I want to do, and something I think I'll be good at. Please don't get me wrong or misunderstand what I'm saying.
However, it isn't in the cards for me right now, apparantly. I am going to have to accept that fact and move on with it. This new blog is about my PCOS journey, my rantings and ravings, my successes and failures, my painful moments, and my exciting new events. I am going to try from here; I felt like I already ruined the year because January did not turn out the way I wanted it to. I guess I can't give up just because of a few set backs. I am rescheduling doctor appointments, getting back on my medicines, and starting my diet and exercise anew, especially since I am done with basketball season after Friday (the 1st). My husband is offering to help out at home more and cooks on school nights (Mondays and Wednesdays), so hopefully, that will help me stay on some sort of schedule.
This blog is not for anyone to ridicule me, judge me, love me, hate me, admire me, or idolize me. This blog is more for ME. I need a place to write, and since handwriting takes so much stinkin' time, I opt to type instead of write. I will write periodically, especially when I can't get to the computer, but most of my journal entries will be here in this blog. I do not want you to be critical of me; I only ask you to think of me, pray for me, and support me, even if you do not understand. I don't expect understanding, and I don't expect you to always agree with me. If you are my friend, you will look out for me and hold my hand and just be there for me. That's all that I truly ask of you.
So here's to my journey. It is going to be a long, hard, bumpy, curvy road, but I think I'm ready for it. Bring it on!
Here's to new beginnings....
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