The newest Mommy-to-be!

Yes, you read it right. I am now officially a mommy-to-be. It was quite surprising actually, because this happened all on its own, and at a bit of a weird time. We found out the day before our 5-year wedding anniversary (on April 30) that we were expecting. I was having a lot of pain and called the doctor because I thought I had a cyst. He did an ultrasound and discovered the pregnancy sac, ran a PG test (which was positive, of course), took bloodwork, and gave me my first little picture of my little miracle baby.

The next few weeks were full of blood work appointments every two days, as my progesterone and HCG levels were not rising normally. After being put on progesterone pills, that level normalled out, but my hcg still didn't double every 48 hours. At 7 weeks, I had an ultrasound appointment to confirm the pregnancy, and lo-and-behold, we had a beautiful baby with a beating heart (162 was the rate). Joy and elation swept over me, though I knew in my heart everything was okay- it was just a bumpy, scary few weeks. I went back to the doctor June 16 for my first big appointment and had everything done that I needed- and I heard my precious baby's heart beat yet again (171 this time!).

Today, I am 13 weeks, 3 days. On Friday, I will be officially out of my first trimester. What a special feeling!

Over the past 2 months, I have had a hard time, off and on, eating, and have lost about 17 lbs. I feel the stretching and pulling pains, and my boobs (sorry to the guys reading this) have been sore, but other than that, I feel fantastic. I have bought a pregnancy journal and have been recording each week the things I'm feeling and going through, and some of my cravings, etc. I just could not be happier as a pregnant woman, though I do complain of the inability to eat some.

I find out in August what we are having, but of course, I'm hoping for a girl, and Chris is hoping for a boy. The names we have picked:
Boy- Bryson William Keith (William, after Chris's middle name)
Girl- Kylie Brielle Keith

What an exciting time!

A news update

I know it seems extremely selfish of me, but I am happy that my friends all have boys. It actually gives me hope that maybe God does want me to be first at something... since I'll be the last to have a baby. Maybe I get to have the first girl in my close group, although no one ever thinks "Amber will be next." I stay far from their minds. It really hurts my feelings that I have been trying to conceive longer than ANY of them have, and I mean ANY of them, and they all think that it just won't ever be me. I mean, I'm the one going through the hard time. Why aren't they more supportive?

On another note, we just had some disturbing news. Chris's dad has colon cancer, they think, and is having surgery to remove all polyps on Monday. They have also run scans because they are afraid the cancer has spread to his prostate and his brain (which in his brain would account for the severe memory problems and focusing issues he has been having). If that is the case, there is not much they can do. Chris is really torn up, and understandably so. I think he is more upset that his dad has not been taking care of himself like he should and has refused to go to the doctor for a long time, and he denies that he has anything wrong with him. In the same situation, Chris's mom is also having heart trouble. She was born with a heart condition, and now, one side of her heart is working at 45%, the other at 35%. So needless to say, we are overwhelmed with bad news right now.

I say all of that to lead to my next topic, which is, of course, having a baby. Chris really wants to pursue fertility treatments again after finding this information out about his parents. He wants his parents to be around for a grandchild from him, especially his dad. He is his dad's only biological child, so technically, his dad doesn't have any blood grandchildren. So, we are starting back with fertility treatments this next month.

Soul Searching and Finding ME

I'm not quite sure what to say in this blog, as I'm not quite sure what is going on with me, what I am thinking, why I'm thinking it, anything.

I have been pretty reflective lately, and I'm not really very happy with me or anyone else.

I started my period today, after a 7 day late streak... a streak that again got my hopes up for a pregnancy, since I don't have to take care of my sisters anymore after their pregnancies and complications. Why can't it just be me for a change? I am so depressed and hurt that it is never me... I've been trying longer than any of my friends, my sister, etc., and I have no child of my own. The one thing I've always been so afraid of... I don't have, and I really honestly think I won't ever have. I do not want to be 30 and having children. My husband is going to be 29 in June. I don't want him to be too old either. We have been together for 7 years. We have had plenty of time alone with each other, and all I have asked God to grace me with is a child. At least one child... and I can't even get that. I'm so angry right now... so done. I go through this stage a lot, but I am no longer trying. I am no longer going through this agony. I am just set on it won't happen. I'm not going to have children. I'm not going to put myself through this anymore.

I just needed to vent.

THough, I don't feel better.

I'm sick of everything.

An Update- a long time coming

Wow- so much has happened in a few month's time. Jaycee has gone back to be with her mother, but we do get her every other weekend and any other time we want her. It just isn't the same, and I miss my sweet little girl so much. She misses us too, because she doesn't let us out of her sight when she is with us and often will not sleep on her own anymore without us. She is an amazing little girl, and now she is walking! I love to watch her waddle around- she is so precious!

On another note, I found out my little sister is pregnant. She is now getting married August 16, and the baby is due February 22 of 2009. I am happy for her, but I am also really down about it. I never imagined that it would take me this long to become a mother, and I never knew it would include my sister getting pregnant before me.

I also found out that one of my best friends is pregnant (it is a shock to them, too), and she is only a week behind my sister. So, 2 slaps in the face. I am happy for her, but also really down on myself.

I changed doctors recently and am now seeing Dr. Conrad. I have already taken my first round of clomid with him, and I go in this afternoon for an ultrasound since I have not yet had an LH surge. I hope all is well with it. If it goes well today, I'll have an IUI tomorrow, so I hope that it works. I am really nervous about it.

I have also been working at the school on my classroom, and I am very proud to say that my first month's worth of lesson plans are FINISHED- objectives and all. Also, my classroom is completely set up, give or take a few posters and minor details. I'm really excited about this being done so early.

I have less than 20 days until I finish grad school with my master's degree, and I cannot wait. I am so ready to be done and to get that huge pay raise. You just have no idea what a huge relief this is. Now I can focus on my family again, and on myself and my house. I can get back in the swing of a good schedule and now, kids won't affect me going to school at all. Plus, I can focus on my cheerleaders and my book club, as well as my students. I think this is going to be a good year, though I am nervous because this is my tenure year, and I really hope I get to stay. I love it at Liberty and couldn't imagine having to leave.

I guess that's it... a lot, I know.

An update on life, in general

Well, it has been a while since I've posted- I want to apologize for not saying thank you for my comments. I haven't been on here in a while. THANK YOU to those who offered support with my last blog.

Things got better for a while, but they are back to being bad again. All I have to do is ask Chris what he's doing, and he flies off the handle at me, cussing, being smart, yelling. Tonight, I officially move back into the other room again. Maybe longer times away will help, but I don't know.

Jaycee was home for a while, sick. Bless her heart, she had about 4 teeth coming in at once, plus a severe cold. She was just plain miserable; however, she is back with us now and doing well. I took over taking care of her yesterday, and she is just so full of life. I love giving her a bath, feeding her her dinner, and playing with her. My favorite part is after I put her pajamas on after her bath, when she is all lotioned up and is soft and sweet, and I hold her in my arms and rock her as she drinks her bottle. That is my time with her, and it's just the two of us. she is truly a joy to have, and I love her forever.

I even got a mother's day gift from my sweet girl- a gift bag from Fudgey Nut! Yum yum!!!!!!!

Well, I guess that's it... just staying really sick with my Metformin right now (it is tearing my stomach in half- I am really miserable). And, I had to go to the chiropractor. Come to find out, I have double calcification in my ligaments in my back, which has formed a huge, painful knot... More on that later...

Hope all is well with everyone.

Life, Babies, and Family

This is the one thing Chris doesn't read, so I can spill my guts out here. I am so full of anger and hurt right now. So much is going through my mind..

Over the past couple of months, Chris has become almost IMPOSSIBLE to live with. He's moody, he cusses at about everything, he sleeps 24/7, and he has been spending money like its water. He has made my life a living hell. He barely ever does anything for the fire department anymore, and it is a struggle to get him to do anything at home. If I ask him to do something, it turns in to a huge fight. If I want to go somewhere, or if he wants to go somewhere and I don't, he cusses me, pitches a fit, and makes the night miserable. He yells at the littlest thing. His driving has gotten WORSE, and I'm really shocked he hasn't had a wreck, been shot by another driver, or gotten pulled over and given a ticket. He doesn't care about ANYTHING anymore.

He ran up his cell phone bill to ungodly amounts, that we don't have the money for. He is hiding bills from me, and every day, I check the online banking system, and he is buying things at the store or going to eat somewhere. He has lied to me, he has done things other than what he said he was going to do. He won't have sex with me AT ALL.

When it comes to Jaycee, he is quickly losing patience, and he is starting to resent us having her, I think. He pops her hand or leg for stupid stuff, and he gets frustrated for no reason. He doesn't take the time to rock her anymore, or to hold her, or play with her. He plops her in a walker or high chair, and that's about it.

I have just had enough. After he lied to me, made me worry about where he was for 3 hours, and spent money we didn't have (on Friday), I was nearly fed up. I slept in the other room for 2 nights. I came back to our room on Sunday. Then, on Monday, I was on my way home from school, and I poured my heart out to my mom. I told her all the things that were wrong and she listened and talked with me. When I got home, he had not done a damn thing I asked him to do, so that was the last straw. When he came home, I laid it all on the line. I pulled off my rings, gave them back to him, and told him that I didn't want them until he meant what he did when he gave them to me. I have been sleeping in the other room since, and I will continue to be there.

It is finally time to take back my life and to be happy with myself. I can't have him bringing me down. The scary thing is, I'm not upset. I cried when I was talking to him, but I've been fine since. I have pretty much avoided him- I don't really care to talk to him or be around him right now. There has to be some serious changes before I'll go back near the other room and before things will be better.

Our 4 year wedding anniversary is May 1, just a few weeks away. We have reservations at Grille 29, but I'm thinking that won't happen now. It kills me that at our 4 year wedding anniversary, we're back to that crappy stage from 2 years ago. I don't like it, and I will not live this way. I know it sounds horrible, but a lot of this has to do with the fact that he is spending more time around his family, especially his sister (the one that doesn't like me). He is becoming more like his dad every day. Something always has to be wrong with him, and he is becoming a pissy old man who cusses at everything and everyone. If I wanted to be with someone like that, I wouldn't have married chris the way he was when I married him. I want the old Chris back, but it is beginning to look impossible. I just don't know anymore...

About Jaycee- things are going well. She is spoiled pretty much, but she's great. I love her to pieces, which is making it hard to think about her leaving. My older sister-in-law was talking to her about letting us adopt the baby boy, but I doubt that will happen. Even though she will be barely able to take care of the two fo them, she'll keep him. I got my hopes up with Crystal and ended up crushed without a child, so I don't want the same to happen here. It really stinks.

Unsure

Today, my husband informed me that we would have Jaycee for 3-5 months now, basically because of the situation her mom is in. Now my mind is swimming with horrible thoughts... what is happening.. what will happen when we give her back... how it will affect me. I am so attached already that I have found myself detaching myself from her so I don't make it harder on myself. I don't want to get up at night anymore... i don't want to give her a bath or get her stuff together. it is just making it too hard. I keep thinking about how great her life will be with us.. how much she will have that she doesn't get at home. It kills me to know that TWO babies will be in a situation with a jobless mother, no fathers, no money, barely the necessities. And again, here I am, ready and willing and in a much better situation to provide.. and I can't have even one. It just isn't fair. I'm not trying to punish her.. i'm trying to keep from punishing myself, which I know I will do, when she goes back home. I am now officially upset. I don't know what to do..


Unsure...